Shinji the Ninja Pirate
by Adam Epp
Summary: Every story needs a hero. Some guy who'll sacrifice himself for the greater good. Shinji the Ninja Pirate is not that guy. Now, in the eighth chapter, he must work together with Asuka or the entire world will explode.
1. Prologue

This is the dumbest thing I have ever written. Whether or not this is a bad thing is up for you to decide. Updates will happen whenever I feel like it, but this will be finished someday.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Neon Genesis Evangelion_.

* * *

_Shinji the Ninja Pirate_

Prologue – Pirate meet ninja, ninja meet pirate

* * *

As we all know, a certain boy protects the city of Tokyo-3. Our safety and survival rests in his hands. When the Angels decide to strike next, we will call upon him to defend us and to prevent the Third Impact. This boy is known by most as Shinji Ikari. Yet it has become clear recently that he is incompetent and will never fulfill his promises of salvation. At best, he is a lowly criminal and, at worst, a pervert.

He is a dangerous ninja pirate that lurks in the shadows and hides in our backyards, waiting to rape our women and pillage the fields. While this wild streak of his may make him sound dreamy, he is most definitely not of the hunky variety, I assure you.

Let me start with Shinji's _true _history to better illustrate the flaws in his character:

Shinji's past, prior to his arrival in Tokyo-3, is sketchy in its tragedy, and tragic in its sketchiness. When Shinji was only five years old, his mother died under mysterious circumstances (sources suggest she was murdered by ninjas during a clan dispute). Evidence states irrefutably that Shinji was abandoned by his dad after his mother's death, and taken in by his aunt and uncle from out of town. What happened next during Shinji's stay with his relatives may sound unbelievable, but I am totally not making any of this up.

Okay, so Shinji tried living a normal lifestyle with his distant relatives and succeeded—in the beginning at least. In school, he earned average grades, he did his homework and all, but, you see, society refused to accept Shinji as he was. He was bullied constantly. Shinji's detractors called him names like emo, or "pathetic excuse of a man," baby, wimp, whiner, pussy, coward and whipped to cite a few. Perhaps they saw in him what they feared about themselves and abused him accordingly. Maybe his haters wanted to see the boy take the punishment like a man and rise above his suffering, prove that losers can win every now and then. In reality, though, the unprovoked anger only added to Shinji's torment. He became more withdrawn. He cried himself to sleep on a regular basis. This story just tugs at the heart, don't it? What a poor, wimpy, whiny and cowardly baby.

Well, in any case, Shinji's life suddenly changed one day.

After running away from his oppressors until dusk, Shinji wound up at a magical sparkling beach (when people say they like to take long walks on a beach, they're talking about _this_ beach, specifically). The waves rolled against the shore, back and forth under a red sky, and Shinji stared at the water, possibly contemplating suicide. At this divine moment, two mighty forces—fate and destiny—intervened and delivered Shinji Ikari a message, in the form of a holy relic, from high above.

The waves crashed against the shore, and when they pulled back, Shinji caught sight of a slender, black object.

He took off his shoes and walked towards the object; the sand felt hot between his toes, but the pain was nothing compared to the number society had already done on him. The six-year old boy got closer and closer until he realized what he saw was a sword—a katana, to be precise. He sank to his knees in front of the katana and gently picked it up. The sword must have gone through unfathomable calamities to reach this shore. How long had it lain on this beach, battling against the persistent waves of destiny? Shinji sniffled; he felt sorry for the katana and identified with it. The blade must have been lonely, like he was, until now. Thus was an everlasting friendship born.

The tide came in, and the tide receded. Back and forth for eternity, this cycle of conquest and retreat repeated endlessly. Watching the waves, an epiphany struck Shinji and he abruptly understood the meaning of life.

He stopped crying and rubbed his tears away! He stood tall and faced the setting sun! He flung the scabbard off the katana, and thrust his new sword towards the heavens and challenged god! "I have been a fool for six long years!" the six-year old boy shouted with a high-pitched voice. "I have wasted away this past year and let men, women, children, pets, trees, flowers, rocks and even inanimate objects insult me! But no longer! Never, never, never ever again shall I be bullied!" he screamed, using both hands to shake the sword that was longer than he was tall. "I will not beg my father or mother for help again! I will not cry again!" he cried out, manly tears of passion streaming down his face. "From this day on, I AM A MAN!" the boy bellowed at the top of his lungs.

The sun descended in fear, while the ocean surged forward with glee. The young boy watched with determined eyes.

The child listened to the surf and the wind, heeding their call. He wasn't finished yet. "OCEAN! I accept your demands! From this day forth, I will listen to the sea and be one with it! I will not need to learn, nor will I ever learn how to swim, for my feet shall forever be firmly planted on the deck of a boat! While on land, I will loot and plunder! I WILL BE A PIRATE, YARRR!" he roared, pumping his tiny fists in the air while his testicles dropped spontaneously.

The clouds ran away from this child and the sky opened for his great destiny.

"BLADE!" Ikari hollered at the weapon in his hand, and used it to cut open his own little, six-year old arms; his blood gushed out obscenely. "Your call has also been heard! I know what you will have of me, and you will have of me what you will! I swear on my excessively hot blood to follow you wherever your edge takes me! If anything stands in our way, we shall tear it asunder! After this day, this hour, this minute, this second, I immerse myself in darkness! I EMBRACE THE NINJA WITHIN ME!"

Lighting sprang from non-existent clouds but its thunder was nothing next to Shinji's loud proclamation. Indeed, a frightening combination of two awesome opposites—ninja and pirate—had been synthesized.

His tiny arms still bleeding profusely from self-inflicted wounds, Shinji Ikari slashed the sky and split it in two (yeah, he created the hole in the ozone layer). "I understand the connection between night and water! I will proceed to the future and forget the past and present! Neither heaven nor hell stands a chance against me! I AM A NINJA PIRATE NOW AND FOREVER!" Shinji declared and collapsed under the weight of his own greatness.

It was a terrible, terrible day that would have untold repercussions on an unsuspecting Tokyo-3 in the year 2015.

The next morning, Shinji opened his eyes from where he lay on the beach and saw his aunt and uncle looking down on him with pride. It turned out his uncle was a retired pirate, while his aunt was a renegade shinobi. They could not have been more pleased with their badass new god of a nephew.

So for the next nine years, they trained Shinji. During the daytime, his uncle taught him how to navigate a boat, how to treat scurvy, how to drink heavily, and how to disrespect women. During the night, his aunt informed him how to use the cover of darkness to his advantage, how to wield a blade, how to hide behind toothpicks, and how to look good in tight, black clothing. By the time Shinji was fifteen, he could slit a man's throat while making sexist comments about said man's wife. He was a disaster waiting to happen to any Japanese-German girls who might appear later in this narrative.

Then, god help us, Shinji the Ninja Pirate got a call to come to Tokyo-3.


	2. Chapter 1

Shinji was much too in-character in the prologue, so I'd better make him crazier. Also, don't expect chapter two to come out as quickly as this one, since I'd written most of chapter one before I released the prologue.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Neon Genesis Evangelion_

* * *

_Shinji the Ninja Pirate_

Chapter One – Shinji attacks, yarr!

* * *

His father's invitation was simple and to the point:

_Shinji, you're a pilot. Come to Tokyo-3. Signed, Gendou Ikari._

After reading the note, Shinji smiled and crumpled the letter in his fist. He'd heard much about the riches in Tokyo-3, and he'd already snatched everything of value from his aunt and uncle's small town in the middle of nowhere. A ninja pirate needed a healthy appetite.

Then Shinji discovered a picture of a dark-haired babe inside the letter's envelope. Her breasts impressed our young hero, and he immediately wanted to get to know her better, if you know what I mean. A ninja pirate needed a healthy appetite.

"I shall go to Tokyo-3!" he declared suddenly. He went to his room to gather his few necessities. "My blade will be the wind, and my hand the tempest! My feet shall make no sound, aye, and my enemies will come to dread silence, for they will never know when I may strike! I am the hurricane! Father, everyone, prepare yourselves for a storm of death!"

If all of Tokyo-3 could have heard his bellows, urine produced by millions would have flooded the streets since everybody would've pissed their pants.

Shinji went to his closet and suited up. He donned the sleek, black garb of a ninja. He hid dozens of shuriken within his ninja outfit. He buckled a bottle of rum to his belt (in case of emergency). He strapped his katana—now named Murasame, the Blade from the Gates of Hell—to his back securely. He packed his SDAT neatly in a concealed pocket. He placed his pirate's hat, complete with skull-and-crossbones, on his head. Finally, he checked to make sure his eye-patch still covered his left eye. Perfect.

In a blur, he whipped out Murasame and chopped his room apart; its edge was razor sharp and hungry for blood.

"Groovy," said Shinji.

Our protagonist exited the room he'd stayed in for the last nine years, knowing he'd never return. He said his farewells to his aunt and uncle and set out.

He looked at the cerulean skies and bellowed:

"Fear not, heavens! Tonight, I will soak my hands in BLOOD!"

* * *

The place: Tokyo-3, our planet's last defence against the extra terrestrials known as the Angels. The year: 2015.

The city peacefully waited for the day it would perform its duty. Fifteen long years had passed since Second Impact decimated the worldwide population in half. People knew some monsters were going to attack the city, but had no idea when it would happen; most assumed it would happen years and years from now. If they knew the Angels would strike this year, no one would've moved to Tokyo-3, no matter how persuasive NERV's tourism campaigns had been. Everyone would've gone to Kyoto-2 instead—I hear the beaches there are excellent, full of babes, and completely devoid of mutant aliens.

But forget Kyoto-2 for now. More importantly, the third of July 2015, seemed like any other day. The skies were clear, aside from the damn seagulls. It was bloody hot outside. The waters by the shores were crimson (which would be incredibly freaky in any place other than Tokyo-3). People went about their business downtown, strolling the streets blissfully, unaware of the impending destruction that was to befall them.

That afternoon, sometime around two, a roar shook the city to its foundations. A tsunami crashed against the city, ushering in Mecha-Sachiel, the bio-robotic Third Angel. The Japanese Strategic Self-Defence Force (aka the JSSDF) flew into action, only to be soundly trounced by the invader. As Mecha-Sachiel stomped around the city, trying to get into the Geo-Front, NERV was called in to bail everybody out.

NERV failed, of course, against the mighty bio-robotic weapon of mass destruction; they were short on qualified personnel at the time, and were waiting for their newest badass employee. If you wanted to kill a monster, use a bigger monster, after all. Shinji Ikari, noted ninja pirate, could probably slay Mecha-Sachiel, NERV figured.

The plan was sound. There was just one problem: NERV couldn't locate Shinji.

Where the hell was he?

* * *

Captain Misato Katsuragi tapped her foot in impatience. She stared at the empty phone booth and scowled. Behind her, the Angel was shooting laser-beams out of its mouth, being a gigantic asshole and ripping Tokyo-3 apart. The fiery explosions wrought by Mecha-Sachiel could not match Misato's growing rage, however.

"He stood me up! I can't believe it!"

Generally, men turned to putty whenever she mailed them that revealing photo of herself (the more cleavage showed, the better, kids!). Considering Shinji was just a boy, the image of her in a bikini should have been super-effective. However, Misato was about to learn in very short order than Shinji Ikari was no ordinary boy by any stretch of the imagination.

BOOM! Another explosion rocked the city and obliterated the empty telephone booth.

"I can't wait here any longer!" Misato grimaced. "Either the boy's dead or not coming at all."

So she sped off to NERV without completing her objective and no, her lack of proper car insurance didn't have anything to do with her deserting Shinji. That would be silly.

* * *

Meanwhile, Rei Ayanami, a mysterious girl with blue hair, randomly appeared on the street Misato had just left.

She blinked, disappointed—the main character, Shinji, wasn't present. What was the point of making incomprehensible appearances if she had no audience to confuse? Before she could vanish inexplicably, though, Mecha-Sachiel fired a laser beam at the building behind her. Rei watched as rubble fell towards her. Not even a ninja could dodge the wreckage.

_What is the proper expression for this situation? _An instant before the debris hit her, she remembered.

_Ah, yes. "Oops."_

* * *

Back at NERV, Gendou Ikari sat in the commander's chair (naturally); Kozo Fuyutsuki stood next to him, per usual. They were busy watching the Third Angel blow stuff up real good on the big screen.

"Oh my, there goes another orphanage," remarked Fuyutsuki after an especially big explosion.

"Then it is a good thing I didn't send Shinji there, after all," Gendou replied.

Fuyutsuki mouth fell in disgust and he glanced at Gendou sideways. Before he could comment on Gendou's callousness, the phone rang. Since Gendou never answered calls (which Shinji can attest to, if you ask him), Fuyutsuki picked up the receiver.

He gave the Commander the report. "Katsuragi returned to the base without your son. Furthermore, nobody has a clue where he is."

"Excellent."

Only Gendou Ikari could be pleased with the news that his son has disappeared.

Fuyutsuki raised an eyebrow. Didn't they need Shinji to pilot? He shook his head and continued, "Furthermore, it seems a building fell on Rei, which means she won't be able to pilot in Shinji's place."

"Just like my scenario predicted." The corner of Gendou's mouth twitched—any second now, that infamous smirk would be plastered on his face.

Fuyutsuki stared at him in wonder. "I'm just checking, but what is your plan again, Ikari?"

"Wait and find out."

"You mean to say that you're just making this up as you go along, aren't you?"

In response, Gendou smirked his trademark smirk and crossed his hands beneath his chin (also trademarked). Fuyutsuki groaned—he knew he should have gone for tenure at the university.

The monitor flashed as Mecha-Sachiel, that mechanized bastard, fired multiple lasers at a group of cute puppies.

* * *

By now, you're probably all wondering about Shinji, so let me fill you in. He was delayed not so he could make an especially grand entrance and save the day with style (that much was a given), but because of his choice of transportation.

Cars were never his thing, since his ninja-half hated the noisy engines. Travelling by air was out of the question, and not because the airlines had been shut down—Shinji's pirate persona balked at the notion of flight. Of course, he didn't come by train, either, lest a metaphorical introspection scene enter the story. No, Shinji the Ninja Pirate stealthily came by way of the sea on a glorious vessel he'd constructed using his bare hands (with a little help from his katana).

Unfortunately, travelling several hundred kilometres on a sailboat takes time, even for an experienced seadog like our Shinji, so he landed on the shores of Tokyo-3 around midnight (thus explaining his missed booty call with Misato, yarr). Once on land, he blended into the night and dashed into the city unseen. On his voyage, Shinji had glimpsed Mecha-Sachiel's reign of terror, and now he desired to engage the foe in deadly combat. He would pry the joy of victory from the Angel's bio-robotic corpse!

Under the cloak of darkness, Shinji ventured beneath the city and snuck into the Geo-Front undetected (a feat no Angel could ever accomplish). At the Evangelion's cage, he spotted the chick from the photograph, Misato Katsuragi, and some blonde woman in a lab coat. The other people there were random technicians, a fair number of which were quality babes.

Shinji decided now was a good time to let the people know he'd arrived on his own terms.

"I see some asshole of an Angel is attacking the city!" he shouted, emerging from the shadows and frightening everyone out of their bloomers. "I can take care of it for you if you're willing to hand over all the hot asses and assets in NERV!" Oozing manly confidence, he winked at the ladies on the deck. All of the women felt their hearts flutter, contrary to their good sense. One girl swooned.

To all women reading this, beware of Shinji Ikari, no matter how dashing he appears. Especially those of you who happen to be transfer students from Germany.

Well, two of the women managed to ignore Shinji's natural charm for the moment: Misato and the chick in the lab coat, Ritsuko Akagi. The former sighed in relief while the other appraised young Shinji with apprehension.

"What's with the get-up?" asked Dr. Akagi, who wasn't accustomed to seeing people wear ninja suits and pirate hats.

"I'm a ninja pirate," he answered simply and grinned dangerously. A lady in the background squealed and promptly fainted.

Dr Akagi didn't know how to react. Was this kid for real? "So long as he can pilot," she muttered to herself, "it doesn't matter if he's a ninja pirate or a cyborg."

The cage grew silent as everyone stared at our hero, who popped open his flask and downed some rum. The women wanted him and the men envied him.

"Phew, you're alive!" said Misato to break the tension. Abruptly, she frowned at Shinji. "I mean, where were you? I was supposed to pick you up! We needed you five hours ago!"

Shinji sidled up to Misato; he knew how to deal with a woman scorned. "Relax, baby. I'll make it up to you later." He grabbed a handful of her arse and Misato felt a stirring between her thighs. "I'll return the favour all night and morning, or however long it takes to satisfy you," he whispered into her ear, and she was his.

But before things could get real good, Ritsuko cleared her throat in irritation. "Ahem! Mecha-Sachiel?"

"You're just jealous of the attention I'm giving her," Shinji rebutted, but stepped away from the babe, nonetheless. A smitten Misato fiercely nodded her head in agreement.

Ritsuko rolled her eyes and pretended Shinji hadn't seen right through her ruse. "No, really, we need you to stop the Angel right this instant. It'll reach the Geo-Front in a few moments if you don't hurry up and get in the Evangelion." She pointed at the humongous neon-green and purple robot that occupied most of the space in the cage.

Shinji glanced at Unit-01, distinctly unimpressed, and scratched his chin "Do I really need to use the Evangelion, though?" He chuckled. "I could probably take out the Angel without it. I mean, it would be way too easy to win if I fight in the giant robot."

More women swooned. This time, one of them fell off the platform and had to be fished out of the cage's watery depths. That Shinji was too damn charming, I say!

Then Gendou walked into view and peered down at Shinji.

"It's been a while!" Gendou announced his presence. "Shinji, get into the Evangelion!"

Shinji cocked his head and met his dad's stare. He opened his mouth and froze in thought. "Wait, who are you, again? You look familiar."

Those observing the father-son reunion groaned in unison.

"I am your father," Gendou reminded him. "The one that abandoned you years ago."

"Yeah, that's it," Shinji nodded. Suddenly, he pointed a finger at his dad in accusation. "So, father who abandoned me long ago, why should I pilot the Evangelion for you? I don't care about what happens to the city! As a ninja, I'd enjoy fighting the Angel, but I'm not interested, as a pirate, unless there's something in it for me."

"Shinji, how can you be so cold?" Misato burst out and latched onto Shinji's arm. "You should feel ashamed."

"Shove off, woman!" Shinji snapped and pushed her aside. He looked at his dad. "Well? What can you give me?"

Gendou considered his son's demands. "How about a monthly allowance?" he offered.

"Only if it's pretty damn big," countered Shinji. "I want to see more than eight zeroes every payday."

"Denied," Gendou turned him down immediately. He turned to Fuyutsuki, who chanced to be nearby. "We can't afford his terms. We'll use Rei instead."

"But, Ikari, she was buried under a four-story building. I'm amazed she survived! Use your son," the old man pleaded.

"With our budget? Impossible," Gendou shook his head. "Bring out, Rei."

Fuyutsuki hesitated but ultimately conceded. "Yes, sir…"

Lower down in the cage, Misato was chewing Shinji out to no effect when a stretcher was wheeled onto the platform; a heavily-bandaged girl with blue hair, Rei Ayanami, resided on the stretcher. Conversation ceased and Shinji stared at the new hottie with interest. The foundations of the Geo-Front shook, as Mecha-Sachiel continued to fire laser beams far above.

"Can you pilot the Eva, Rei?" asked Gendou.

"Yes…" she responded weakly and attempted to climb off the stretcher.

The technicians watched Rei stumble to the floor in horror. This was the final straw for one particular lad.

"HOLD IT!" Shinji commanded everyone's attention with a mighty roar. He glared at his dad and meant serious business. "Father, you didn't mention anything about sacrificing blue-haired albinos! If she dies," he shook a finger at Rei, "do you think I'll ever get another chance to do any broads with natural blue hair?" Shinji was ragged with rage.

A smirk crept onto Gendou's mug. "Then pilot the Evangelion yourself."

"You play dirty, you asshole," Shinji hissed and levelled his lone eye at Gendou. Amazingly, his old man didn't flinch. "Fine, I'll do it!" Shinji finally spat.

"Then you know what to do. Get into the Eva and face your destiny!"

"'Get into the Eva?' Ha!" Shinji laughed aloud derisively. "I'm already in the Eva, old man!"

Misato and Dr. Akagi's jaws dropped in confusion: Shinji was right beside them, as far as they could see. Gendou's smirk, however, deepened.

"That's my shadow clone! Believe it!" the boy exclaimed, and the Shinji Ikari in front of Unit-01 vanished with a pop.

A girl screamed. Everyone else was stunned but kept their heads on their shoulders. They were NERV—they were professionals, dammit!

"To the bridge, everybody!" Dr. Akagi ordered. "He must be inside the plug!"

* * *

While NERV's staff hurried to man their stations, Shinji made himself familiar with his brand-new toy.

"Okay, how does this thing work?" he wondered, looking at the controls. The problem was, there weren't any controls to be seen aside from two joysticks. He shrugged. "Doesn't look too complex. But what the hell is this junk liquid? It sucks! Well, whatever. I can conveniently pilot anything since I'm a pirate!" Green lights miraculously activated around Shinji. All systems were a go!

Lieutenant Maya Ibuki, one of the bridge bunnies, couldn't believe the specs on her flashy computer screen. "Amazing! He isn't synching with the Evangelion! He's forcing the Evangelion to synchronize with _him_! The ratio is off the charts!"

As if to confirm Maya's analysis, Eva Unit-01 suddenly transformed! The purple sections of the armour darkened until they were jet black, the colour of night. One of the Eva's eyeballs popped out and an eye-patch materialized to cover the empty socket. And inside the cockpit, another change occurred to satisfy Shinji's eccentric needs.

"Dangerous levels of alcohol are entering the plug!" Maya shrieked in alarm. "The LCL's composition is changing itself into that of…of gold rum? Huh?"

"Yo ho ho and shiver me timbers! That's some fine grog!" Shinji chortled and breathed in the rum enveloping him. From this day forth, 'link collect liquid' (LCL) would officially be known as 'link collect liquor.'

Though astounded by the rapid developments, Misato just went with the flow. "Okay! Shinji, wait a few minutes and we'll send Unit-01 to the surface in an elevator."

Shinji shook his head in disgust. "Wait a few minutes? Sorry—though I'm not sorry—but I can't do that, sugar tits! I'm going to the city_ my _way!"

Evangelion Unit-01 broke free from its restraints and forced its way out of the cage. Our hero produced the progressive knife and made the Eva clench the weapon between its teeth.

"How can he do any of this?" Dr. Akagi gaped and threw her hands in the air. "It's impossible!"

But Shinji made the impossible possible and made the Eva run to the elevator shaft and then climb up the elevator shaft.

"With the wall-scaling abilities of a ninja and the mast-climbing skills of the pirate…I DON'T NEED ANY FUCKING ELEVATORS!" screamed Shinji. "I'M A GODDAMN NINJA PIRATE!"

The Evangelion scuttled out of the elevator in record speed and reached downtown Tokyo-3. His heart racing with excitement, Shinji pulled the progressive-knife out of the Eva's mouth. It was go time.

Shinji looked left and right rapidly, and soon caught sight of Mecha-Sachiel's backside. It was kind of hard to miss the bio-organic machine shooting laser beams. More importantly, it hadn't seem him.

"I've spotted the mechanical Angel," reported Shinji, baring his fangs in a cruel smile. "It won't know what killed it until after I kill it."

"Wait, Shinji!" Misato cried. "We haven't told you where the big guns are yet!"

But the Eva had already slipped into the shadows.

* * *

Mecha-Sachiel was getting a little bored of slaughtering the regular folk in Tokyo-3. It was just so tiring to kill all day, and Mecha-Sachiel had wasted most of the city by now. The robot was running low on fuel and its joints needed oil. The Angel reckoned it should head down the Geo-Front and initiate Instrumentality soon.

"Ha ha ha…"

A strange noise akin to laughter unsettled Mecha-Sachiel before it could launch an assault on the Geo-Front. The Angel spun its head and tried to find the source of the sound; nothing was there. It looked and looked, but the ruins of Tokyo-3 were seemingly empty.

"Behind you…"

Mecha-Sachiel turned around in surprise, but it couldn't see any threats…

SLASH!

Before Mecha-Sachiel could react, it was split in two, right down the middle, by Eva Unit-01's progressive knife. Shinji had lied about being behind the Angel; the foolish monster should never have shown its back to him.

Blood and oil sprung out of Mecha-Sachiel's fatal wound and the Angel exploded in a gory fireball

Shinji's Eva was showered in blood, but he yawned. "That was surprisingly easy, even for me. How boring." He grinned deviously. "I guess I'll plunder the entire city now and steal away any babes I find!

And thus Evangelion Unit-01 began destroying the city.

Back on the bridge, NERV soon realized they were dealing with something a lot more terrifying and awesome than Mecha-Sachiel. Shinji needed to be stopped in a hurry. Fortunately, Misato was a quick thinker.

"Stop it, Shinji!" she yelled at him. "You can't just blow up the city!"

"Oh yeah? Why not!" Shinji shot back.

"Because there are more Angels to fight! They won't come to Tokyo-3 if you obliterate it. You need to kill all of them if you, uh, want to prove you're the greatest ninja in the village!"

Shinji's blood boiled upon hearing Misato's words. The ninja inside him demanded he hunt down those Angel bastards and finish 'em all off. At the same time, his inner pirate bellowed at him to find some gold and to get laid while he was at it. Shinji didn't know which of his multiple personalities he should listen to; unexpectedly, that which made him awesome hindered him.

Unit-01 couldn't withstand Shinji's epic internal struggle and promptly turned berserk. NERV stopped the rampaging robot with Bakelite and the city was saved from the ninja pirate's menace. But more Angels awaited, so Tokyo-3 couldn't get too comfortable. The legend of Shinji the Ninja Pirate was just beginning.


	3. Chapter 2

For the record, I'd like to emphasize that I do not condone Shinji's behaviour in this story, awesome and entertaining though it may be.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Neon Genesis Evangelion_.

* * *

_Shinji the Ninja Pirate_

Chapter Two – New horizons and intimacy

* * *

Radiant blue skies greeted Tokyo-3 the next day. Yep, it was another hot one. The cicadas came out of the woodwork and irritated everyone with their incessant chirping. The smell of the ocean was heavy in the air. A powerful wind pulled the blades of grass from their roots. In simpler terms, the weather was fantastic.

But such weather was wasted on Tokyo-3 the day after Shinji massacred Mecha-Sachiel. Guts and bolts, what remained of the Angel, covered the city. Buildings were in ruins from Mecha-Sachiel _and_ Shinji's combined attacks. Those who lost family members wanted to mourn, while everyone else wanted to hit the pools and have some fun. Instead, everyone was forced to rebuild the city and clean up Shinji's bloody mess.

He may not have succeeded in depriving Tokyo-3 of its riches, but Shinji the Ninja Pirate had left his undeniable mark on the city.

* * *

In the dark recesses of NERV (also known as the commander's main office), Gendou discussed the previous night's battle with Fuyutsuki.

"The old men won't be happy about this, Ikari," Fuyutsuki noted dryly upon reading the damage reports.

Gendou crossed his hands in front of his chin. "SEELE is never happy. Trying to appease them is a lost cause."

"They can cut our funds if they're really upset, and our budget is too tight for comfort as is. Can't you do anything to placate them?"

"There's no need, Fuyutsuki," replied Gendou. "Everything has gone according to plan."

Fuyutsuki made a face. "You mean you intended for your son to become a ninja pirate? I somehow doubt that, Ikari."

Gendou smirked. "It worked, didn't it?"

"What about the part where a building fell on Rei? Even you couldn't have possibly accounted for that."

"Someone had to get hurt in order to convince my son to pilot the Eva," countered Gendou. "The prophecies written in the Dead Sea Scrolls predicted all that happened yesterday."

"The prophecies mentioned a ninja pirate?" Fuyutsuki found that a little too hard to believe. "I somehow—wait, what are you doing, Ikari?"

Gendou held a pencil and eraser in one hand, and an ancient manuscript in the other. "I am in the process of rewriting the Dead Sea Scrolls," he answered.

"That isn't how prophecy works, Ikari," Fuyutsuki pointed out, but the other man wasn't listening.

"Seventeen angels are too many; we'll run out of money by the fifteenth," Gendou muttered to himself, deep in thought. "Better change it to thirteen or fourteen, just to be safe."

Fuyutsuki gave up. He couldn't tell if his superior was a master manipulator or just winging it.

* * *

Shinji's eye shot open and he awoke in a strange setting. Considering the amount of rum he'd guzzled in the Evangelion, he should have been nursing the hangover from hell, but our hero can handle a little booze, I assure you. Anyway, he looked up and saw a plain, white ceiling he'd never seen before in his life. Yeah, I'd say it was an unfamiliar ceiling.

"Where the hell am I?" he shouted in anger. He glanced down at his clothing and discovered he was wearing a baby-blue gown. "What happened to my ninja suit? Yarr! Where's my katana?"

Then Shinji noticed the IV tube going into his arm, and realized he'd been strapped and buckled securely into a hospital bed. How dare those bastards! Of all the nerve! They thought they could incarcerate him, Shinji Ikari, a god among men, in a place where the old went to perish in obscurity? It was time for Shinji to teach the world another lesson.

The entire hospital shook as Shinji flexed his muscles, and the straps restraining him burst open. A second later, he was running down the wing with a manic gleam in his one eye.

* * *

Misato drove to the infirmary at the speed limit; normally, she'd be burning serious rubber, but she was in no hurry today for a change. You see, she'd somehow drawn the short end of the stick and gotten stuck with picking up Shinji from the hospital.

"Oh god," she thought aloud, "why me?" Although she'd been charmed by Shinji the previous day, her head had cleared over night and she dreaded their next encounter. "What if he puts the moves on me again?" She squirmed in the driver's seat. "What if I _want_ him to? That'd be even worse!" Plus, there was the whole business about him being a violent psychopath, but thinking about that only made her crave him more. Misato groaned in frustration.

But, despite her driving at sane speeds and taking the longest route, Misato eventually came to her destination. She parked her car and walked slowly to the hospital's entrance. She gulped before stepping inside. None of her anxiety or anticipation prepared Misato for what she saw next.

Chaos. Pure, unrestrained anarchy. The noise was deafening, kids were crying, and some old guy was writhing on the floor, suffering from a cardiac arrest. A fire had erupted in one of the hallways. The hospital was in the middle of an unprecedented uproar.

"Thank god, somebody from NERV!" a pretty nurse exclaimed when she saw Misato. "Please, you need to stop him!"

Misato already knew whom to blame, but she had to ask. She could hope, right? "Stop…who?"

"Shinji Ikari! The ninja pirate! He's gone absolutely nuts and we don't know why!" the nurse yelled over the din, and Misato hung her head.

"Fine," Misato sighed. "This _is_ my job, after all." The NERV captain pulled out her pistol, and checked to make certain it was loaded; this was why no one had volunteered to pick up Shinji. "Where is he?"

The nurse jumped when she saw Misato's gun, but nodded slowly in agreement. Her hand shaking, the nurse pointed up.

* * *

Convincing Shinji to settle down required a lot of rum and wasn't easy, but Misato managed to find a way in the end—let's leave it at that. At least the hospital was quick to drop their impending lawsuits; Misato only needed to promise that NERV would never send Shinji here in the future.

They returned to Shinji's room in the hospital and picked up his belongings. It turned out his stuff had been under the bed the entire time.

"Okay," said Misato, "let's get the hell out of here and never speak of this incident again. I don't even want to remember what you did in the maternity ward." She shuddered.

Shinji laughed heartily and they headed out. Our hero tactfully praised Misato's breasts and her bottom, while she in turn did her best not to become aroused. The small talk ceased abruptly when they reached the elevator and the elevator's doors opened to reveal a familiar face:

Gendou Ikari, the king of bastard fathers.

Shinji stared at his father. His father stared at him. Misato stared at them while they stared at each other. Rei, the mysterious girl with blue hair and her arm in a sling, stood behind Gendou; she, too, stared at everybody. Not a word was spoken and nobody blinked. They all just stared. Finally, the doors closed and the staring match concluded without a clear victor.

After a prolonged pause, Misato awkwardly said, "You two, uh, don't get along well, huh?"

"I respect my father highly for being an unapologetic prick," Shinji replied, still glaring at the elevator, "but that doesn't mean I like him, no."

"I see…"

Shinji punched the lone wall in the hallway he hadn't already destroyed in his earlier rampage. "I'm still pissed at him for what he did yesterday!" he growled suddenly. "He hoodwinked me—_me_, a badass ninja pirate!—into doing his dirty work for him! I lost against him, and I am loathe to admit defeat!" He turned to Misato and looked her in the eyes; flames were visible in his pupil not covered by the eye-patch. "Mark my words, woman! One day, possibly tomorrow or maybe a year from now, as soon as he stops looking over his shoulder, I vow to repay my father in full! He will regret using a blue-haired broad as bait! VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE!" Shinji declared with a thunderous bellow.

Misato listened to Shinji's manly speech and her desire for him multiplied twofold. She twirled a finger in her dark hair and asked, "Are you finished? Because I think we should head over to my apartment _right now_!"

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open.

"Pretty much, yeah. Let's go."

* * *

Misato's apartment was a disaster, which we all know. Empty ramen containers littered the floor, and jam-packed cardboard boxes waited to be unpacked; Misato's bras and panties decorated most every nook and cranny the eye could see, and the smell of beer gave the place its special distinctive flavour. Shinji the Ninja Pirate approved of it wholeheartedly—he could bury his future treasure in this mess and no one would ever be able to find it.

"Oops, I forgot to show you the sunset." Misato slapped her forehead. Her lust for Shinji was making her head dizzy. "The buildings rise up from the ground and it's real pretty. _Very_ romantic."

"Uh huh," Shinji nodded. He didn't care, to be honest. He walked over to the refrigerator and inspected it; beer lined every shelf. "You have a fine collection of lager, I see. But no food."

Embarrassed, Misato hurried over to him and shut the fridge door. "We can make room for other stuff!" she said, flustered.

"Don't bother," Shinji shook his head. "Rum doesn't need to be refrigerated, and that's all I need to stay happy. Just keep plenty of space in the cupboard, because I go through a couple of bottles each day."

While Misato made a mental note, Shinji found yet another fridge. He pointed at it. "What's with this? For the food?"

"Oh. That." Misato stared at it, blankly. Couldn't Shinji tell that she wanted him badly? "I keep my bird in there."

On cue, the warm-water penguin, Pen-Pen, walked out with a towel wrapped around his shoulders. He paused to glance at Shinji, and then proceeded to the shower.

"Sure the fridge isn't for food?" asked Shinji slyly.

"No, we do not eat the penguin! Pen-Pen is my pet!"

Shinji smiled deviously and put an arm around Misato's shoulder. "Chill out, sugar tits. I'm joking. As a half-pirate, I'd rather have fish any day of the week. It's a shame the thing isn't a parrot, though—I've always wanted one of those."

The physical contact with Shinji was driving Misato wild with womanly desire. "I need a beer," she said suddenly.

A moment later, things loosened up as the pair got drinking. The hours flew by. The booze flowed. Good times.

Before long, it was dark outside and Shinji somehow ended up with Misato in her bedroom. At some point, Misato had changed out of her uniform and into a sexy, white bathrobe; the cleavage she showed was most excellent.

"Y'know, you were really somethin' yesterday," Misato slurred, putting her arms around Shinji's neck. She wasn't especially drunk—she only wanted a good excuse for the morning after. "I've never seen a boy so…manly an' assertive, ooh…"

And so Shinji asserted himself by untangling himself out of Misato's grasp. Then he demonstrated his manliness by whipping off his shirt. Bare-chested, he stood before the older woman. His muscles were solid but surprisingly small for an Adonis like Shinji. Doubting his strength would be foolhardy, however; the daring ninja pirate specialized in speed, and had toned himself to godlike perfection. But Misato wasn't looking too closely at the young lad's muscles; she couldn't take her eyes away from the scars covering his hairy torso.

"What happened to you?" she gasped, tenderly fingering a scar along Shinji's muscular abdomen.

Shinji stood rigid while she caressed him. "My aunt and uncle's training pushed me to the brink," he answered in a deep voice. "A lesser man would've been killed, but I persisted and became the world's first known ninja pirate."

Misato thought that was hot. "What's it like being a ninja pirate, Shinji?"

"You really want to know, babe?" he asked. After she nodded, he stated, "The life of a ninja pirate is a constant battle of contradictions—the need for fame and wealth versus the desire for anonymity and a simple life of assassination. Ninjas and pirates are never supposed to blend: on their own, each is already incredibly awesome, and putting the two together is overkill. God feared the might of a master ninja pirate, and set up biological barriers to prevent one from coming into being; in other words, someone like me shouldn't even exist, for a true ninja pirate can challenge God himself!

"My training is incomplete as of yet, unfortunately," he went on. "My aunt and uncle taught me the ways of the ninja and pirate, respectively, but it's up to me to find a way to unite the two. It's never been done before, so I have no precedents to follow. A lot of the time, I'm just making up the rules of the ninja pirate as I go along, but I figure I'm allowed to do so—a ninja pirate can do whatever the hell he wants. The voices in my head conflict with each other on occasion, so I'm always looking for the perfect balance to satisfy both ninja and pirate. If I don't, I might go insane. Who knows?" he laughed. "If I fail, it could bring about the end of the world.

"To answer your question bluntly, though, about what it's like to be a ninja pirate. Well, what do you think it's like to be a young god? It's fucking awesome!"

The hair on Shinji's chest thickened while he explained the subtle intricacies of his existence. Misato had heard enough. She slipped out of the bathrobe—nothing but Misato was underneath. She gazed into Shinji's eye intently and spoke from her wanton heart.

"Take me, Shinji."

And he did.

* * *

Elsewhere, the mysterious girl with blue hair, Rei Ayanami, floated inside a mysterious tube. Her injuries from the whole building-falling-on-top-of-her thing had yet to heal, but she'd probably be perfectly normal in a few days, just in time for an epic fight. By the way, she was completely naked. I just wanted to mention that.

She opened her eyes and saw Gendou Ikari, who did not possess the most desirable face to see upon waking up.

"Are you feeling better, Rei?" he asked out of uncharacteristic concern. "My son is somewhat capable, but you are the key to Instrumentality. The scenario will collapse without you. Nothing unusual has happened to you, I presume?"

Rei hesitated to speak, feeling something akin to trepidation. "I had a…dream, Commander," she confessed.

Gendou pushed his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose. "Go on."

"There were birds and bees everywhere," replied Rei, unsure how to recount it. "And a few butterflies, too. Later, flowers blossomed and a dark egg cracked in half, and I saw Shinji Ikari inside the broken shell."

"It must be a metaphor," remarked Gendou. He was probably right, since what Rei said made no sense.

"I believe it was what people refer to as a nightmare," Rei concluded. "It made me feel uneasy."

"Go back to sleep, Rei," said Gendou. "Dreams are meaningless. We'll need you to be at full health when we recalibrate Unit-00."

Rei consented, of course, but she secretly disagreed with the Commander. That dream _was_ important for some reason. In her naiveté, she just didn't understand why.

Wink wink, nudge nudge.

* * *

Misato was still glowing when she phoned Dr. Akagi later that night; Shinji hadn't lingered around and had already left for his new bedroom. Regardless, a girl needed to squeal to somebody when she was super-happy.

"Ritsuko, you won't believe what just happened!"

"You slept with the Third Child, didn't you?" Even over the phone, Dr. Akagi's disappointed sigh was painfully audible.

Misato blinked in surprise. "Yeah, how'd you guess?"

"Just call it my intuition. Furthermore, I'm disgusted by the both of you."

"Right, right, I'm sure," Misato rolled her eyes. Her friend was just jealous she got to experience Shinji in the sack first. "Anyway, it won't happen again, he says. Apparently, he refuses to 'bang a conquest' more than once and I'm supposed to act like it never happened—I'm so offended that I don't think I even want to do it with him again." This was a lie, of course, but denial can be a powerful ally.

"Good. I don't want his piloting affected by an office romance."

"Also," Misato added, "he's going to be living at my place starting today. Just thought you should know."

"WHAT? YOU'RE SICK!"

Misato held the phone away from her ear before Dr. Akagi could deafen her. "Relax! Like I said, we won't do it again."

"That's hardly reassuring! Once was bad enough!"

"Technically, it was more like five times," Misato sighed dreamily.

"Pardon? I didn't catch that."

"Nothing! And I'm not asking for your approval, Ritsuko. The commander already agreed to the arrangement, so there's nothing you can do."

There was a long pause on the other end.

"Well…?" Dr. Akagi finally asked.

"Well, what?"

"How was he?"

"Pervert."

* * *

Shinji sat alone on the balcony outside his room. Memories of his fight with Mecha-Sachiel flashed through his mind, and he clenched his teeth: he'd basked in the blood of the enemy, but the victory felt meaningless. The valuables he'd failed to snatch in the aftermath taunted him, and motivated him to do better in his next sortie.

Yeah, he could've been cuddling with Misato after their lovemaking, but he wasn't some fluffy pillow for her to squeeze at the end of the day. Like he'd told her, it'd only been a one-night stand, nothing more, and their physical relationship was over. Misato had been one of the best lays in his life, definitely, but Shinji the Ninja Pirate didn't wallow in the past like an emo pansy. A pirate sought new horizons and a ninja disparaged intimacy—both rejected monogamy without regret.

He looked at the stars above and contemplated his fate. The heavens demanded great deeds from our protagonist, but he still didn't know precisely what his destiny was. Many battles awaited him in the future. Shinji had yet to pillage all of the riches from Tokyo-3, and he wished to taste all of the fine women the city could offer. Gendou needed to be taught that the son had surpassed the father. There was a world to be saved, too, should Shinji decide to save everyone's skin. Above all else, our hero felt an irresistible urge to establish himself as the ultimate badass.

For now, however, he remained on the balcony and bided his time. He leaned against the wall and kept his sword Murasame in close reach. Shinji closed his eye and tried to get some sleep. It was cold and lonely outdoors, but it wasn't easy making friends when nobody was worthy enough to be called your equal.

"Yarr…"

Another long night was ahead.


	4. Chapter 3

This fic hasn't been abandoned.

In this chapter, I retcon Second Impact's date from the year 2000 to 1999, to compensate for my earlier retconning of turning Shinji into a fifteen year-old (as opposed to a fourteen year-old). Compared to what else I've already done in this story, I reckon it's only a minor offense, all considering.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Neon Genesis Evangelion_.

* * *

_Shinji the Ninja Pirate_

Chapter 3 – Separation between sanity and insanity

* * *

It was another day of learning in Tokyo-3. We now direct our attention to the finest high school in the city. By finest, I mean the only school.

"Today's lecture will be on the Second Impact," said an old, stodgy professor to a despondent classroom. "The Second Impact occurred on September 13, 1999. Three billion people died in the ensuing chaos. Tidal waves devastated coastal cities. Retirement homes by the beach were hit especially hard, which is why most of you kids don't have grandparents."

One student snored loudly. As it happened, the entire course was devoted solely to the Second Impact. They didn't call it history class anymore—just Second Impact class. And you know kids—they don't care about anything that happened before they were born. Thus, they couldn't care less about cataclysmic explosions. Not when they could be watching the latest werewolf movie.

"The official story is that the mass destruction began when a meteor struck Antarctica," the professor continued. "However, that explanation was soon revealed to be a poor cover-up, since meteorologists came forth with inarguable evidence that a giant meteor never struck our planet. If it had, they said, one of our satellites would've seen it."

Whispers sprang up in the classroom while the teacher droned on. Today was no ordinary day. There was a new transfer student; he was much more interesting than the trivial lesson.

"Eventually, a group of shady scientists came clean and declared that a mysterious Giant of Light melted the South Pole. The scientists had tried to play God—like always—and the result was tragic. That's all you need to know about Second Impact, but I'll discus the subject to you in painstaking detail for the next three years of your lives."

The professor rattled out facts and drew a graph on the blackboard, but only one or two students took notes. Most eyes were on the new transfer student I mentioned earlier. He wore an eye-patch for some reason. The eye-patch was cool, the students all agreed.

"Nobody better be dumb enough to say that Second Impact happened due to a great war between ninjas and pirates—that's an absurd rumour. I mean, ninjas and pirates don't even exist. It's true that ancient legends inform us ninjas and pirates despised one another as natural enemies, but those are merely myths. No war happened in the Antarctic. The Giant of Light, children, is what killed your grandparents before cancer could."

Who was that transfer student? Inside sources said the new kid was the crazy pilot who'd fought off the terrifying monster the other day. That was so dreamy, the girls sighed. The boys instantly envied him. One athletic guy in a tracksuit, however, glared daggers at the transfer student.

"We're not covering anything up, trust me," the professor rambled, sweating bullets. "Really, the cover-up was the nonsense about a meteor. The Giant of Light was no cover-up. If ninjas and pirates caused Second Impact, someone would have made up a cover-up for a cover-up story, and nobody would do that."

Yes, the transfer student was none other than that rascal Shinji Ikari! What was he doing in a normal academic environment? He made a show of jotting down notes occasionally, as if he wasn't an incarnation of death waiting to be unleashed at any given second. In fact, he hadn't disrupted the class even once. This morning, Shinji could almost pass for something less than an avatar of the gods, if that were possible for him. Disregarding his divine aura, Shinji somehow blended in with the lesser peons who were his fellow students.

But a sacred proverb has been passed down through many generations of warriors in Japan: Beware the silent ninja pirate most of all. Shinji Ikari was up to something, I'm sure of it.

* * *

At NERV:

Misato walked into the simulation room. Through a big window to her right, a large-scale replica of Eva Unit-01 was visible in a gigantic chamber. The replica resembled a skeleton, and a great number of tubes and wires connected to it made the replica resemble a patient on life support. In the middle of it was the entry plug, inside which was the scourge of Tokyo-3.

"How's Shinji-kun's training going?" Misato asked Dr. Akagi

"Bad."

"Bad? How so?"

Shinji answered the question with an angry shout. "This is foolish, Akagi! Why should I fight with guns? For the matter, why should I waste my time training? I am already the perfect assassin!"

"See what I mean?" Dr. Akagi muttered and sipped some coffee. "Shinji," she said into the microphone, "you need to use the guns, and you need to practice using them."

"It's pointless! Listen, I love big grenade launchers as much as the next guy, but they won't work against the Angels. They're just not _cool_ enough!"

"What?" squawked Misato, deeply offended. She discreetly caressed the pistol concealed near her bosom. "Guns are great!"

"They're great for killing people, sure, but I'm not killing people—not for NERV, anyway. I'm up against gigantic aliens and I'm using a standard oversized machine gun—this weapon isn't nearly awesome enough to kill what I'm up against it."

"I think it's a lovely gun," grumbled Misato.

"Maybe for you, sugar tits. Not for me. I'm better off using the knife. Can't you get me a sword? Swords are much more useful."

"Whatever!" Dr. Akagi finally snapped. "Shinji, you're using the gun and that's that!"

"Fine," he replied, "but I will not forget this, Akagi, nor will I forgive. Take care where you step."

A chill went through the simulation room. Misato shivered.

"Just center the target and shoot," said Dr. Akagi, who gulped involuntarily.

"Oh, I will," Shinji promised, looking directly at Akagi in his monitor. "I will. Just wait."

* * *

A few days later, at school, a message appeared suddenly on Shinji's monitor:

_Are you the badass pilot of that robot? Yes or no._

Shinji looked around the room to try to find the message's sender. The class hushed as soon as he turned his back. A hint of a smile formed on his lips. He was designing some dastardly plan, no doubt. With a press of a button, Shinji responded to the message:

_Yes._

The room erupted with excitement, like you'd expect.

"No way!" one girl shrieked

Students crowded around our hero, who basked in the spotlight. Which is no surprise considering Shinji the Ninja Pirate literally believed himself to be the center of the universe.

"Why'd they pick you to pilot?" an average-looking girl asked him.

Shinji shrugged as if he weren't all-knowing. "Probably because I'm so great," he answered smugly. "I _am_ a ninja pirate and all."

Another plain Jane voiced her confusion. "A ninja pirate? But you don't really look like a ninja to me…"

"Well, you see," explained Shinji, "ninjas don't always go around in ninja outfits. A good ninja becomes one with his surroundings, which means I often need to dress like everyone else." Shinji pointed at the dull white shirt he wore. "I don't want to stand out at the moment, hence the school uniform."

"Oh," the girl said dumbly. "But that eye-patch draws attention to you…"

"I'm not just a ninja!" roared Shinji. "I'm a pirate, too! The eye-patch must always stay on!"

The females in the class squealed in response to his manliness. Those poor girls—without intervention, all the pretty ones were destined to lose their cherries to Shinji Ikari without fail.

That athletic guy, though, wished to intervene before our protagonist could score with any nubile teens. The jock, Touji Suzuhara, suddenly slammed his fist into his desk, silencing everyone. He furiously glared at Shinji.

"Hey, new kid, ya fight one monster and ya think you're the best ever, huh?" he barked. His grammar was awful. "Well, I got bad news for ya, pal," he went on, "you ain't nothin' but shit!"

The other students, sensing a fight, backed away from him and Shinji. Touji's best friend, a dork named Kensuke, futilely tried to dissuade Touji from fighting someone so badass. All waited to see how Shinji would react to the challenge.

Shinji seemed completely unfazed, surprisingly, as if he'd never heard Touji's insult. The students looked closer at the ninja pirate—he was wearing headphones and listening to music.

Touji growled in anger. He marched over and ripped out the headphones. "That's it! Let's you and me settle this outside right now!"

Shinji blinked. "Who are you?"

A nerve twitched on Touji's forehead.

* * *

Meanwhile, in NERV's lounge, where all's right in the world so long the coffee's strong, Misato chatted with Dr. Akagi:

"So Shinji-kun's actually been going to school?" asked Dr. Akagi, her eyebrows arched.

"Surprisingly, yes," replied Misato, who would've been confused out of her panties if she wore underwear. "I was terrified I'd need to persuade him to go, since my gun can only fire so many times before I run out of bullets. Instead, _he_ demanded we allow him to attend." Misato shrugged. "Problem solved."

Dr. Akagi lit a cigarette and offered one to her friend. "Misato, you made sure to send some of our agents to watch over the young ninja pirate, right?"

Misato laughed and accepted a smoke. "Are you kidding, Ritsuko?" She snorted and guffawed. "Shinji-kun could literally _kill_ anyone dumb enough to attack him. He doesn't need any bodyguards!" She giggled again and fumbled with her lighter.

But Dr. Akagi wasn't laughing. "I know," she said seriously. "The security guards don't need to be there for Shinji-kun—it's his classmates' safety I'm concerned with."

"Oh." The unlit cigarette fell out of Misato's mouth. She glanced at the clock and suddenly made for the doorway. "Excuse me. I should make a phone call…"

* * *

Just then, not far from the coast of Japan, a creature emerged from the sea! It was big. It was nasty. It wanted to see Tokyo-3 burn to the ground. Specifically, the monster wanted to see Shinji Ikari die. It was Shamshel, the Scorpion of Doom!

The deadly scorpion rushed toward Tokyo-3.

* * *

Outside the school:

All the students had gathered to watch Touji take on the ninja pirate. Even Rei, the mysterious girl with an arm in a sling, came to witness this historic bout. Bets favoured Shinji one hundred to two. Nobody, save for a certain class representative, had bet a single yen on Touji, and so it was to be a sad day for the bookies.

"You hurt my sister bad, Ikari, when you stomped around Tokyo-3!" Touji shouted. "What do ya say about that?"

"Is she hot?" was all Shinji had to say about that.

"What the hell, dude? She's only nine years old!"

Shinji was about to retort he hadn't known she was only nine when Touji threw a left hook at him. Touji's fist hit nothing but air, however, as no sucker punch can beat a ninja pirate's reflexes. The jock lost his balance, for he put too much weight into the punch, but Shinji didn't take advantage of the opportunity to deck Touji.

"You asshole," snarled Touji when he regained his footing. "Ya too chicken to pay your dues for hurting a little girl?"

Touji proceeded to launch of combination of jabs at Shinji. The crowd oohed and ahhed as Shinji narrowly evaded every single punch. Kensuke cringed after each near-miss, knowing it was only a matter of time until his buddy got floored. But, although he had ample chances, Shinji never countered any of Touji's blows. Touji finally grew frustrated and launched a big right straight. When Shinji dodged it, the jock fell flat on his face. Some in the audience laughed.

"Dammit!" Touji spat, and picked himself off his feet. "All ya do is run! Fight me, so I can belt ya one for my sister!"

In response, Shinji levelled Touji square on the jaw and sent the athlete into a head-on collision with the pavement. The onlookers winced, first, and then cheered because they won their bets.

Touji tried to get back up, but he toppled over. The fight was done. Shinji walked over to the loser.

"Enough with this sister crap!" Shinji snapped at him. "If you were a real man, you would've protected her in the first place, not picked a hopeless fight against me. How can you help her if you're dead? Be grateful your sister survived my rampage—others were not so fortunate."

The jock feebly lifted his head upon hearing Shinji's words.

"And you!" Shinji turned to the crowd. They all wilted under Shinji's powerful gaze. "Let this fight be a lesson to you! I am the master, the captain, of this school from now on. You're all my underlings. Whether you will live or die is my decision to make from this day forth! That is all! You may leave."

And the students learned the meaning of fear. Oddly, the girls wanted the ninja pirate more than ever. Go figure.

Before Shinji left the school premises, Rei stepped in front of him with considerable agility. She moved with ninja-like speed, Shinji noted with interest.

"An Angel," she said succinctly.

Right on cue, sirens blared.

* * *

In a shelter below Tokyo-3:

"I can't believe you're still alive."

"Shut up, Kensuke."

"He punched you so hard he knocked your socks off. I mean, seriously, your socks came off your feet. It was unbelievable."

"Just shut up."

"And now he's out there fighting for us. Or for his own sake, maybe. Even if Ikari really is crazy, we still need him, you know? If he hadn't fought that Angel, we'd all have died."

"I know."

"He could have killed you with that punch if he'd wanted to."

"I know!"

"Hey, you want to watch him fight for real? Come on, let's sneak out."

Touji, covered with bruises and bandages, stared at his friend. "What, and let him finish me off? Besides, it's against the rules to leave the shelter!"

"Shh!" Kensuke whispered. "Keep quiet. You _owe_ it to Ikari to see him in action. Don't you want to know what he's really capable of when he goes all-out?"

Touji fingered a bruise on his temple. "I think I know enough 'bout that. Although, now that ya mention it, ya got a point…"

Kensuke smirked. He had him.

"Class rep!" he called out. "We need to use the bathroom!"

* * *

By the way, guess who was absent? Yes, Commander Ikari took a random vacation right before the Angel attacked. You'd think the man in charge of NERV wouldn't be allowed any breaks during a time of crisis, but we're probably safer when he's not around, anyway.

"Now, Shinji-kun," Dr. Akagi said, "just do it like in practice. Fire the gun, and the Angel will die."

"That won't work and you know it."

"I believe I know better than you do on this subject, Shinji-kun. I have been researching the Angels since before you were even born, in case you were unaware."

"So? I've killed one Angel thus far. How many have you fought, Akagi?"

"Just use the damn gun, Shinji!" Misato interjected. God, she wished Shinji wasn't so damn hot when he was being stubborn.

Shinji muttered something about women and used tampons, and grabbed the gun against his better judgement.

"The Angel's here!" Maya screeched suddenly.

Indeed. The godless killing machine, classified as Shamshel the Doom Scorpion appeared with a bang by devastating the harbour.

"Engage the target, Shinji," commanded Misato. "With the gun, please," she added before he could argue.

Shinji sighed and fired the gun. Shamshel's AT Field deflected the bullet, and the Angel ironically destroyed a church.

"The gun doesn't work!" Maya gasped.

Shinji blew a gasket.

"I fucking knew it!"

* * *

On a hill in the outskirts of Tokyo-3, tears streamed down Kensuke's face. He was live on the scene with his camera, recording Evangelion Unit-01's fight against the Angel. It was like making a Godzilla movie, only so much better.

"My life is complete, Touji."

"Great, Kensuke," Touji said. "Wait, did that Angel just shoot a bunch of lasers?"

"Yup! And see, Shinji just evaded them by jumping back!"

"Wait, did he just jump in our direction?"

An enormous shadow covered the hill.

"OH, SHIT!"

* * *

Shinji the Ninja Pirate thought he heard two muffled cries of terror, which he wasn't used to (he normally heard screams from up close).

"The hell was that?" he said.

A video appeared on his monitor depicting two of his classmates shaking in fear right next to the Evangelion's foot. One of them was that guy he'd beaten up earlier.

"What are they doing there?" Dr. Akagi groaned.

"Shinji, look out!" Misato shouted.

The Doom Scorpion re-entered the fray by swinging two lightning tentacles at the Evangelion. Shinji's instinct was to dodge, but he saw the two classmates cowering in dread from the corner of his eye. So he stood his ground and snatched the lightning tentacles with the Evangelion.

At NERV, Misato's jaw was not the only one to drop.

"Did Shinji the Ninja Pirate just protect people?" Maya whispered to herself.

Shinji popped open the entry plug. Shaken, Touji and Kensuke watched a rope ladder descend towards them.

"Get in," he ordered the guys.

The two scrambled up the ladder.

"Why'd ya save us?" Touji asked, after he and Kensuke climbed inside the plug.

Shinji chortled. "I said your lives belonged to me before, so I'm not going to let an Angel kill you without my consent, ha ha!"

Kensuke started laughing suddenly, and didn't stop.

"What's with him?" said Touji. "Wait…why do I feel so woozy…?"

"Because you're both lightweights," answered Shinji. "You two aren't used to the rum in the LCL."

"The wha?"

The Doom Scorpion shot a laser beam.

"Shinji, watch it!" Misato's voice cut in through the speaker.

"Tch."

Shinji easily evaded the laser fired from point-blank range. However, the energy cable was severed by the beam.

"Unit-01's active time remaining, two minutes and thirty seconds," Maya read aloud.

"Prick," Shinji said. "Guess I should get serious…"

Maya wasn't done reading off her computer screen, though. "Without the cable, the Evangelion can no longer transform the LCL's intrinsic properties—LCL composition is reverting back to its original state!"

Shinji's mouth fell open. "What? That means…"

Behind him, Touji and Kensuke stopped getting drunk.

"The LCL is no longer rum!" Maya finished.

Shinji stared at Shamshel the Doom Scorpion. It was a far more worthy opponent than he'd assumed.

And, for the first time in many years, Shinji felt panic.

One minute and twelve seconds left in the Evangelion's internal battery.

"Wait, what happened to my rum? It'll come back, right? Why hasn't it come back yet?" Shinji's breathing was ragged; he was practically hyperventilating. He fixed the Angel with a furious glower. "You son of a bitch! I'LL KILL YOU!"

In an alcohol-deprived mania, Shinji roared and charged at the Doom Scorpion. Touji and Kensuke shrieked like girls as laser beams were fired at Eva Unit-01, but Shinji deftly manoeuvred the Evangelion around the death rays.

Forty-nine seconds before the battery ran out of power.

"THAT WAS MY RUM, YOU FUCKER!" Shinji bellowed.

More lasers were fired, but Shinji dodged all of them. He pulled out the mech's knife when he neared a good stabbing range.

"Just come back, Shinji!" Misato urged. "This is an order! There's booze back in the Geofront."

Thirty-five seconds remaining.

Shamshel slashed at Eva Unit-01 with its deadly stinger, but Shinji sliced it off with the knife. Before he could cut open the Angel's core, however, one of Shamshel's tentacles knocked the knife out of the Evangelion's hand.

"Only twenty-six seconds left!" Maya cried.

Shinji howled and leapt back. He hurriedly grabbed another progressive knife while Shamshel lunged at him. Touji prayed he wouldn't die and Kensuke nearly pissed himself.

Thirteen seconds.

The Doom Scorpion crashed into the Evangelion and into a barrage of knife thrusts. Shinji wielded the blade like a madman and stabbed repeatedly in every direction. Gobs of blood splattered from Shamshel, and the Angel shrieked in agony. Shinji refused to stop slashing until, finally, the progressive knife shattered.

"That was the last weapon, dammit!" cursed Misato.

The Angel still lived.

Two seconds.

"MOTHERFUCKER!"

Shinji smashed the Evangelion's fist into the Doom Scorpion's core with an earth-shattering uppercut.

Zero seconds.

"Unit-01 has stopped moving," Maya read from her monitor. "And the Angel…" Her eyes widened. "The target is still active!"

Shamshel slammed Unit-01 to the ground. The Angel was hurt but still a major threat. It loomed over the Evangelion, ready to incinerate Shinji with lasers. Kensuke fainted.

"What do we do, Captain?" one of the bridge crew moaned in despair.

Misato stared at the monitor, stunned. No matter what they did, they couldn't save Shinji before the lasers got him. Shamshel was moving in for the kill!

In the Evangelion, Touji shook Shinji by the shoulder. "Ikari! Do something, please!"

Shinji chuckled loudly, to the confusion of Touji and everyone in the Geofront.

"No need," he declared boldly. "The target is already dead."

The Doom Scorpion froze abruptly after Shinji's last word.

All of a sudden, several of its muscles bulged and expanded. The next instant, Shamshel exploded.

"That was a ninja technique—I stabbed every one of the Angel's vital spots three dozen times. Heh heh. Before it died, every pain receptor in its body activated! Hahaha! That's what the fucker got for taking my rum away from me! MWAHAHAHA!"

Shinji's insane laughter echoed through the intercom at NERV and was the cause of countless nightmares. His twisted giggles frightened Kensuke when the nerd finally woke up. His malevolent cackles made Touji's blood run cold. After that hellish day, nobody, and I mean nobody, got between Shinji Ikari and his rum.


	5. Chapter 4

Alas, Shinji must deal with the problem that afflicts all ninja pirates in this chapter. Although he kills the bad guys, does what he wants, sleeps with any woman he desires, you can't say his life is ever easy.

For anyone anxious for a lot of Rei, wait until the next chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Neon Genesis Evangelion_.

* * *

_Shinji the Ninja Pirate_

Chapter 4 – Ninja pirate's dilemma

* * *

Shinji the Ninja Pirate stood atop the peak of a mighty mountain, and looked down the sheer cliff below him. He couldn't see the bottom; a fall from this height would kill any mortal. A strong gust of wind buffeted Shinji, nearly pushing him over the ledge, but he maintained his balance. Inside his mind, he was not so stable. To his left were the ocean and the life of piracy. To his right was the dark city of Tokyo-3 where a ninja could thrive. The two were clearly at odds with one another—he had to make a choice.

"Who am I?" he cried out to the heavens. "Am I ninja or pirate? Must I choose one over the other? I despair of your petty lies, God—answer me! Will forsaking my soul make me more badass than ever?"

Shinji yelled so violently his throat rattled, yet the skies provided no discernible answers. No clouds parted, nor did the moon eclipse the sun. Only the wind blew stronger, as if it were encouraging Shinji to leap off the precipice.

"So God foolishly chooses to abandon me yet again," spat Shinji. He unsheathed his blade. "Well, I have no need for you or any gods!" He threw aside his sword. "If fate refuses to tell me my course of action, then I will force it do so!" Shinji glanced downward one last time. "I do not fear death!" he proclaimed, unaffected by the dizzying heights. "DEATH FEARS ME!"

Without regard for his own life, Shinji jumped off the cliff and plummeted towards certain doom.

* * *

_Five days earlier._

_

* * *

_

In one of NERV's locker rooms after the battle with Shamshel:

"Totally unacceptable! You were even more out of control than usual, Shinji!" Misato shouted at her godlike subordinate. "The Fourth Angel was nowhere near as dangerous as you!"

"So what? I was totally badass, you have to admit."

Shinji was sitting on a bench, with a towel draped around his shoulders and a bottle of rum in one hand.

Misato groaned in vexation. "That's not the point! It doesn't matter how 'cool' you are! You're here to pilot the Evangelion and destroy the Angels, Shinji. Acting like a lunatic jeopardizes countless innocent lives!"

Shinji glowered at her and took a big swig of rum. He slammed down the bottle and suddenly stood up.

The ninja pirate looked deep into Misato's eyes. "And what if those 'innocents' die, woman? I never said I gave a damn about them."

His powerful stare weakened Misato's heart, but she replied steadily, "If you don't care, Shinji, then why do you pilot the Evangelion?"

"I never wanted to pilot it. I just crave the thrill of battle and want all the treasure in Tokyo-3."

"You…you're a monster. What good is a ninja pirate? We have no need for you at NERV."

"Oh yeah? In that case, I'll leave! Being a pilot has given me neither glory nor treasure. I will find it elsewhere."

Shinji shoved past his former lover and headed towards the exit without looking back. I shudder to imagine what evils he plotted in his vile heart.

"Wait!" Misato called out to him. She realized letting him loose was equivalent to detonating a bomb in Tokyo-3.

Shinji paused.

"I shouldn't have said that. You don't have to go."

"I am no puppet you can manipulate," he snarled. "I doubt we'll meet again."

Then he left, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

A dark cloud hung above the high school the next day. Without a certain ninja pirate around, life was certainly safer, but it was dreadfully boring. Suicide rates among the students climbed to a record high, thanks to our hero's absence.

In the classroom:

"He didn't show today," Touji the jock muttered. Outside, it began to rain. "Always knew he'd never stick to a place like this."

"He kicked your ass, remember?" Kensuke reminded him. "What do you care if he's gone?"

"Shut up!" Touji snapped. "Unlike some, I know of a little somethin' known as 'respect.'"

"That's news to me," grumbled Kensuke.

"I said, shut up! Now, like I was sayin'," Touji went on, "I respect the guy. When he lost his shit the other day and slaughtered that monster in his giant robot, I was moved. I thought, 'This is a dude you don't fuck with,' y'know what I mean?"

Kensuke nodded fervently; he had a hard-on for giant robots. "Totally agree! That was so cool!"

"And so I owe him a proper apology for makin' light of him, y'know? I gotta pay him my respects."

"Yeah, or he might kick your ass again," snickered Kensuke.

Touji huffed and stamped his foot. "I'm being serious! I wanna do this 'cause it's the right thing to do! Ikari, he…he's the captain, y'know."

Kensuke considered Touji's statement. "Yeah…the captain," he slowly agreed. "But there's one problem with your idea."

"What's that?"

Kensuke shrugged in defeat.

"We don't know where Ikari lives yet."

* * *

Elsewhere in the classroom, Rei, the mysterious girl with blue hair, had just recovered from her injuries. Nobody in the school noticed her recovery, however. Not because they were uncaring teenagers who only cared about themselves (though they were), but because no one ever seemed to see Rei. The mysterious girl had a habit of disappearing and reappearing without explanation. She was almost like a ninja or something.

Ha! Rei, a ninja? As if!

* * *

Meanwhile, in NERV's smoking lounge:

"You just let him go?" Ritsuko shrieked. The coffee and cigarettes did nothing to calm her fury towards Misato. "You do realize you practically just set off a bomb in Tokyo-3, right?"

Misato jerked. "I'm well aware of the threat he presents," she said. "How about you try stopping an unstoppable force of nature?"

Ritsuko scoffed. "Did you at least send out a unit to search for him?"

"Obviously. So far, they haven't found any traces. He might as well have disappeared."

"You slept with the boy _and_ you're supposed to be his guardian," Ritsuko pointed out. "If anyone knows where he went, it should be you."

"Tch," Misato harrumphed. "All I know is that our ninja pirate can do almost whatever he wants. If he doesn't want to be found, then we might as well give up."

Misato crushed her cigarette into an ashtray and made to leave.

"Hold it!" Ritsuko commanded, freezing Misato in her tracks. "With Shinji on the loose, NERV will need to stay alert in case he decides to kill everyone in the city! You better not be going home so you can get sloshed!"

"W-what? Me?" protested Misato innocently. "I'd never do that! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the grocery store before it closes."

She dashed out of the room and Ritsuko sighed. "That was her worst lie yet." She reached for a smoke, but her carton was empty. The doctor sighed again. "And I'd drink with her in a heartbeat if I could."

* * *

The next morning, Touji and Kensuke paid a visit to Shinji and Misato's apartment. Well, just Misato's apartment now, but the two students didn't know that yet.

"Sure he lives here? Maybe we don't need to pledge allegiance to him after all."

"The class rep said this is his place. And it was your own idea to 'pay your respects' to him in the first place."

They arrived at the door, and Kensuke knocked on it.

"But ya know," Touji said while they waited, "it's not that big a deal to me. I just want to make sure he's cool and we're cool so that it won't be awkward-like at school. I don't care 'bout that Ikari guy."

"You're a terrible liar, you know what?" Kensuke muttered.

"What'd ya say?"

Before Kensuke could reply, the door opened and a heavenly sight silenced both boys.

"Hullo…?" Misato greeted, rubbing her forehead.

Her appearance was a mess. Her hair was ruffled and hadn't been washed or combed. Her eyes were red and half-lidded. She'd dressed herself in a hurry and evidently hadn't put on a bra; her nipples protruded through her tank top; one of her top's straps seemed on the verge of slipping off her shoulder. Beneath a pair of short denim shorts, her long smooth legs were on display; the boys could only wonder if she wore anything underneath the shorts (she wasn't, for those similarly curious). From her luscious red lips came the unmistakable stench of booze and tobacco. She was clearly hungover. She was beautiful.

Touji and Kensuke drooled.

"What is it?" Misato grumbled. Then she recognized the kids. "Oh, you're the two from the other day…you were in the Evangelion."

"Yup, yup!" nodded Kensuke.

"Uh huh," grunted Touji.

Misato belched loudly before giving each of them a flat stare. "And?"

The boys faltered, having forgotten why they'd visited.

"Ah!" Kensuke recalled first. "We came to see Ikari."

"He's not here!" Misato roared and quickly shut the door in their faces.

The two stood in front of the door like a pair of idiots, dazzled by her slovenly sexiness. A moment later, angry shouts and the sound of bottles being smashed came from within the apartment room.

"Shinji, you fucking idiot! You weren't supposed to really go! Oh god, my head hurts! Shit, I need another beer! I'm such an idiot—I can't believe I actually had sex with that asshole! God dammit!"

Touji and Kensuke's jaws dropped upon hearing the word "sex." Slowly, they turned their heads and looked at one another. Their envy towards a certain ninja pirate reached a new plateau.

"Is there any doubt?" Kensuke whispered.

"Nope." Touji shook his head. "Ikari should be the captain, without question."

At once, they fell to their knees and bowed before Shinji, wherever he was.

* * *

And what was the hero doing?

Shinji was on an epic journey of self-discovery like none before him, the type of journey that normal people like you or I couldn't dream to experience ourselves. Words can hardly do justice to the enormity of his personal mission, but I'll do my best to describe the magnitude of his quest. Let it be said that his odyssey put the Odyssey and all other epic Greek poems to shame; Ulysses was merely a king who determined the fate of a lone country, whereas Shinji the Ninja Pirate held dominion over the fate of the entire world. Milton would have wept a thousand teardrops and not bothered to write Paradise Lost, had he foreseen the tale of Shinji the Ninja Pirate. What of Macbeth, Hamlet, Lear, and other Shakespearian figures? Their inner demons and complexities shrank beside the emotional turmoil of the question Shinji constantly faced: "Should I follow the instincts of the ninja or the pirate?"

You see, shortly after his confrontation with Misato, it occurred to Shinji that something had gone terribly wrong in his battle against Shamshel—he hadn't been sufficiently badass. Had he been more awesome, Misato wouldn't have told him off; she'd have been too busy begging him to nail her.

Since Shinji the Ninja Pirate was all about being one bad motherfucker, his inability to properly impress Misato dealt a grievous blow to his ego (only his unparalleled force of will prevented him from suffering a nervous collapse). All of a sudden, he discovered he needed to train himself more. But he was both ninja and pirate, so which aspect of himself should he choose to further master? It was a conundrum.

Thus, Shinji, scion of deities, he whose blade cleaved through the heavens' light, travelled for three days and three nights. His shadow enveloped Tokyo-3. He was everywhere and yet nowhere, totally incognito. Never was a bottle of rum far from his hands while he plundered pile after pile of loot. During the day, he would venture into Tokyo-3's seedy underworld and soak his hands in the blood of yakuza. During the night, he gave in to his carnal desires and bedded many of the hotties from his class I mentioned last chapter. In his uncontrolled state, he even took a risk and slept with Maya Ibuki, noted bridge technician at NERV, whom many know to be a lesbian. Yet her blatant homosexuality was no match for Shinji's unrestrained sexual charm, and his manly pheromones turned her straight for one unforgettable night.

But, no matter what he did, the ninja pirate felt perpetually unsatisfied. His life felt strangely empty. Deep down, he knew he shouldn't have left NERV until he'd kicked every Angel's ass and got revenge on his father. But he refused to return before he did the impossible and elevated his vast skills to a higher stratosphere.

Then, on the night of the fourth day in a forest outside of Tokyo-3, Shinji happened across a lone tent. He could hear someone yelling and making a racket from the camp.

"Bang, bang, bang! Sir, they shot Touji dead! Crash, boom! Then write his girlfriend a notification, private! Bang, bang, bang! But he doesn't have a girlfriend, sir! Bang! Ahhhh, ouch! Sir? Sir! SIR! NOOO!"

Shinji slipped into a shadow and moved closer to the source of the peculiar sounds. The voice was oddly familiar.

"It's up to me now! Bang, bang, bang! Somehow, I knew I'd have to be the hero!"

The ninja pirate crept closer, and saw a bespectacled boy in army camouflage, holding a plastic assault rifle. It was Kensuke. Curious, Shinji moved behind the nerd.

"I'll prove I'm worthy to be the ninja pirate's apprentice!" Kensuke yelled at the top of his lungs.

Shinji arched his eyebrow and decided to voice his presence into the boy's left ear. "Who says you're worthy? All I see is an amateur."

"Oh my god!"

Startled, Kensuke backed up, tripped over a log, and did a bizarre back flip of sorts into the bush. He was lucky that he didn't shit his pants or suffer a cardiac arrest (not all victims of Shinji's stealth have been so fortunate).

Well, Shinji had a good laugh at Kensuke's expense and, since the ninja pirate wasn't in a murderous kind of mood, the four-eyes eventually recovered from his shock. The two gathered around the campfire and shared a few tales. Mostly, Shinji bragged about his accomplishments while the nerd listened.

Finally, Kensuke could take it no more. "Please!" he begged the ninja pirate, "You're the best—you've got to teach me—and Touji—how to be more like you! Please, we'll do anything!"

"No way."

All of Kensuke's dreams were dashed with two simple words.

"Whaaat?" he cried out in despair, "Why not, man?"

Shinji cocked a cocky eyebrow. "You? A ninja pirate? Yarr! The training is too difficult; you or the jock could never survive it. It's hopeless. Only one man on the planet can be me—and that's me."

The nerd hung his head. To be honest, he hadn't really expected a different answer.

"However!" Shinji continued, raising the nerd's hopes slightly. "It wouldn't be impossible for you to be a ninja or pirate, if you chose to specialize as one or the other."

"I…I could be a ninja?"

"Probably not."

"Then, please, would you train to be a ninja?" pleaded Kensuke.

"Not without considerable financial compensation. Which you don't have."

"Oh…" Kensuke hung his head again.

Then Shinji leapt to his feet without warning. "Keep quiet!" he hissed. "We have company."

"What?"

A powerful light shone on them and a group of men—a group of public security agents, judging by their suits—walked into the campsite. Helicopters could be heard in the distance.

"Shinji Ikari," the leader of the group said, "We're from the NERV Public Security and Intelligence Bureau. Section Two. Come with us."

So NERV had finally found Shinji. How unfortunate for them.

"We're screwed, man!" Kensuke wailed.

Shinji's eye darted over his surroundings. "Shut up and get ready to run," he ordered.

"What? We're running away?"

"No, just you. You won't want to be seen here after I'm done."

"Done what?" Kensuke's eyes widened. "Don't tell you're going to murder them!"

Shinji bared his teeth and drew his sword. "Oh, I won't kill them—I'm not that nice."

* * *

Commander Ikari's return to the Geofront was not as pleasant as Fuyutsuki had intended. The Dead Sea Scrolls hadn't mentioned anything about the two of them investigating a bloody crime scene.

"When I got the report, I expected the worst, but this is far worse than my wildest imaginations," Fuyutsuki commented while surveying the victims; many of the wounded cried out in pain. The old man shuddered. "Is this so-called ninja pirate truly your son, Ikari? I remember him being a nice boy. A little wimpy, but nice. Perhaps you summoned his evil twin by mistake?"

"There is no doubt he is my son," Gendou replied with a hint of a dastardly smirk. The Commander observed the maimed members of Section Two and the burning wreckage of two helicopters with what almost seemed to be fatherly pride.

True to his word, Shinji hadn't killed any of the agents.

Gendou approached an agent that wasn't too moaning too loudly and began interrogating:

"Where is the Third Child?"

"H-he got away, C-Commander," the subordinate answered, wincing in agony and clutching a bloody stump. "He was heading towards some mountain when last we saw him…"

Gendou frowned. "Why aren't you pursuing him? I do not pay you men so you may slack from your duties."

"Sir, can't you see what he did to us?" the agent gaped. He pointed at the bloody stump accusingly. "He hacked off half my leg, Commander! We're all cripples now! Your son is the meanest son of a bitch I've ever seen!"

"I beg your pardon?" Gendou's voice became cold enough to freeze hell. "What did you just call my late wife?"

A few men gasped and, suddenly, all the moans of agony stopped: no one dared make a sound, regardless of the pain he felt. The loudmouth agent abruptly burst into tears and he grabbed his remaining leg protectively; Fuyutsuki shook his head at the wounded man's stupidity.

"Fuyutsuki," Gendou ordered, "find these men wheelchairs, so that they may continue their search. They're not dead yet."

The Section Two agents choked on their breaths, and looked at the Commander in horror. They couldn't decide who frightened them more between the father and the son.

* * *

Following his attack on Section Two, Shinji parted with Kensuke and headed for the nearest and tallest mountain on foot. Though he ran like a gazelle, he did not reach the foot of the mountain until the next morning. Then, without any climbing equipment, he began to scale the large, cragged bluffs. Why? Because it was badass, and he didn't know where else to find answers to his burning questions.

He climbed for hours without rest. On the way, he wondered if he was making a mistake by existing as a ninja pirate. Was it truly possible for anyone to master both and become a god? These thoughts consumed him while he toiled away at the rock. Occasionally, Shinji encountered a bear or a wolf, and he'd beat it to death with his bare fists.

By the time Shinji reached the top, the top of his ninja outfit had been ripped off and blood dripped from his exposed chest. His SDAT's batteries had run out of juice, too. It was freezing cold on the summit, but Shinji was far too manly to shiver.

Then he cursed the heavens and suddenly jumped off the mountain, bringing this chapter back to its beginning.

* * *

_The present.  


* * *

_

In one of NERV's many lobbies, Misato and Ritsuko chatted:

Misato groaned and said, "Section Two found Shinji."

"And you're lucky you still have a job, after what Shinji did to them," added Ritsuko, lighting up a smoke.

"Did he really need to disfigure all their faces?"

"He does have a complex, after all."

"Since when does Shinji have a complex? This is the first I've heard of this."

"Misato, he has complexes on top of complexes. Modern science can't even begin to label a godlike psychopath like him." Ritsuko sighed. "How I wish I could understand that boy."

Misato snorted. "Of course, you can't understand him."

"What, and you can?"

"No," Misato shook her head wistfully. "Shinji is so amazing he can't even understand himself. His life is a contradiction, he explained to me."

"I won't argue with that," Ritsuko muttered.

"Is he ninja or pirate? How can he both at the same time? Shinji must answer these questions," said Misato. "That's the ninja pirate's dilemma."

* * *

And Shinji needed to find some solutions in a hurry since he was hurtling down from the top of a mountain. He had maybe a minute before he fell a thousand metres and hit solid ground. But, oddly, jumping off the peak hadn't provided him with any instant epiphanies.

"What more must I do to prove my worth?" he shouted during his long descent. "Am I not a god yet?"

The wind screamed past his body as he sailed down towards the earth. The momentum of his fall accelerated to ludicrous speeds. On the way down, he crashed into one of the mountain's ledges, or he bounced off a branch jutting out from the cliffs, but Shinji never flinched. Cuts and bruises accumulated from his rough tumble, and he continued to fall. He should have died a dozen times over during this mad dive from the top of the world, but he shook off the worst conceivable thrashings with an indifferent shrug.

But why should Shinji give a shit about his impending collision with the ground? No external obstacle could hope to compete with his inner conflict.

"Do I need to destroy the whole world? How can I perfect my perfection?" he demanded to know.

Still, no matter how loudly he yelled, the answer eluded him. Shinji's fury escalated to unprecedented levels. I'm not sure if this is possible but, for a second, Shinji slowed in mid-air as if gravity itself were afraid to apply its laws to the fearsome ninja pirate. Regardless, his fall would end very soon and it wasn't going to be pretty.

"Fuck it!" he bellowed in a fit of rage. "I AM A NINJA PIRATE TO THE END!"

He slammed into the ground.

* * *

That evening, after the last train made its final stop, Misato sat on a bench at the station and waited. She wasn't sure why she believed Shinji would come here, but it made sense to her alcohol-addled brain (she'd been drinking more than a little the past few days). As it was, her buzz had ended hours ago and she'd sobered up, so now she wondered why she came here in the first place.

Not so far away, Kensuke and Touji watched Misato. After class, they'd discreetly followed her sexy ass to the station. They too, when they weren't gawking at Misato's cleavage, were waiting for the inevitable return of our hero.

But not just these three waited for Shinji the Ninja Pirate. All of Tokyo-3 stood still with bated breath. They didn't need to wait for very long.

Underneath a crimson sky, a proud figure walked along the railway tracks. The man was so roughed up he looked like he'd fallen off a mountain and hit every rock on the way down, but you'd never think he'd weathered the worst the world could offer from the way he walked. There was a dignity about his bloodied eye-patch and torn ninja garb.

Kensuke spotted Shinji first and cried out in joy. He and Touji rushed over to greet their leader.

"O Captain! My Captain!" Touji saluted with a respectful bellow.

"O Captain! My Captain!" Kensuke did the same.

Shinji paused to nod, acknowledging his superiority over them. "Dismissed," he said and continued on his way. They let him pass without protest.

Misato watched her young charge approach her and couldn't believe her eyes.

"You came back," she said once he stood before her.

"Yeah."

"Did you find any answers?"

"There is no answer," declared Shinji solemnly. "From the start, there wasn't even a question. I _am_ a ninja pirate and no one can deny it. Look at me—I just jumped off a fucking mountain."

"But what made you decide to come back?" she asked, faintly hoping he'd missed her.

"Definitely not you," he replied quickly. "I have riches to steal, virgins to deflower, and there are those who must die by my hands."

Misato chuckled at his terse reply until she realized Shinji wasn't joking.


	6. Chapter 5

After a long delay, I return with another chapter, now featuring more Rei and more action, as Shinji the Ninja Pirate gets tested like never before.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Neon Genesis Evangelion_.

* * *

_Shinji the Ninja Pirate_

Chapter 5 – Rei, the blue-haired wench

* * *

It was a calm, bright and sunny day and Shinji the Ninja Pirate was walking to school when his finely-tuned warrior's instincts suddenly compelled him to duck. He sensed an object whistle through the air where his head had been and heard a distinct _thunk _as the thrown projectile embedded itself in a nearby tree. Shinji causally walked to the tree and pulled out the steel weapon intended to take his life: a shuriken. His eye narrowed.

_Ninjas._

Shinji leapt aside as a hundred more shuriken abruptly lodged into the tree, but no sooner did he land on his feet than he needed to dart away to avoid more flying projectiles. He dipped and weaved down the street, narrowly avoiding shuriken and an untimely death every second. A net fell from above to ensnare him. Shinji pulled out his sword and sliced it in two. While he stood still, a dozen poisoned darts flew at Shinji from behind, but he deflected every one with twelve precise, rapid blows. Then, as quickly as the attacks came, they suddenly stopped. Shinji looked around his surroundings for his assailants. The sun was so bright his attackers had nowhere to hide, yet they remained hidden, nonetheless.

A cloud moved beneath the sun overhead, darkening the sky briefly, and once the cloud had passed, seven ninjas garbed in black appeared from nowhere and surrounded Shinji.

"You cannot stop all of us," one of the seven warned Shinji.

"Even a ninja pirate is only one man," another added.

"When our blades bite into your flesh, you will bleed and die all the same," said one ninja.

The ninjas circled Shinji as they taunted him, yet none of the seven was especially eager to move close to him within the reach of his sword.

"Look, the ninja pirate is scared," remarked a ninja and the others laughed.

"What good are ninja pirates, anyway?" another asked.

"He doesn't realize that his drinking and raping interferes with all of his ninja skills. What a fool!"

Shinji tightened his grip on the sword. One of the ninjas behind him threw a shuriken at Shinji, but our hero easily dodged it, the same as he'd dodged the previous thousand shuriken. The ninjas kept their distance still and began to grow frustrated.

"Come on, _say something _to us already, you cowardly—!"

The ninja never finished his sentence, however, since Shinji cut off his tongue and then his head. Before the others could react, Shinji speared another ninja in the stomach and stole three shuriken from that very ninja's body. The next instant, those same shuriken killed three more ninjas. Shinji's final two opponents moved faster than the human eye could follow and attacked our hero simultaneously. It did them no good. Shinji punched one of them in the throat, killing the ninja instantly, while simultaneously throwing his sword into the forehead of the last ninja. All seven foes had died in far less than seven seconds.

Unimpressed, Shinji coldly examined the blood on the ground and the corpses of his seven would-be assassins. He never said a word, as some enemies simply don't deserve a ninja pirate's witty insults.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted movement in a tree and saw a blue-haired girl jump off from one of the higher branches and land on a distant rooftop. Soon, she jumped again and vanished from sight. Another ninja, perhaps? Shinji chose not to pursue the mysterious girl, though, and resumed his walk to school.

The sun was bright that day and people stared at Shinji and gasped at his blood-soaked clothes. He was used to the attention.

* * *

"I sure did kick that angel's ass, huh?" said Shinji, looking at the decimated remains of the Doom Scorpion, a few hours after his random encounter with the ninjas.

Ritsuko sighed. "No one can say you did not, Shinji-kun." She took another look at the dead Angel—the many, many, tiny chunks of it. "Next time, however, please try _not_ to slice it into a thousand pieces. We would prefer to analyze an Angel in one piece."

Misato shushed Ritsuko, fearing Shinji's retaliation, but the ninja pirate just snorted. "Hey, I killed that bastard and he deserved it for cutting off my rum supply."

"We'd have finished analyzing this Angel days ago if it hadn't taken us two weeks to gather every single remain," nagged Ritsuko, "and I am still uncertain that we found every piece of the Angel. Please, try to show a little restraint."

Shinji just shrugged and chuckled at her request. She had to give Shinji a break, really. I mean, if you had the power of a god, you'd have trouble holding back, too.

With nothing more to say to Ritsuko or Misato, Shinji left them so he could wander around the battlefield where he'd massacred Shamshel the Doom Scorpion and enjoy sight of the destruction he'd sowed. Some of the NERV personnel had thin sticks and garbage bags to pick up tiny chunks of Shamshel's flesh, and most of the staff was still focused on cleaning up the huge amount of blood he'd spilled that day. He could still taste the fear in the atmosphere and it was glorious. Then Shinji spotted his father examining the largest fragment of the Doom Scorpion left—a part of the Angel's core smaller than a car—and something about Gendou's face made him blink in confusion.

Shinji returned to Misato and Ritsuko and asked, "Since when did my father have a large scar across his face?"

Misato gaped at him. "You only noticed now? It's somewhat, um, impossible to miss."

"It happened a little over a month ago," explained Ritsuko. "I'm surprised nobody told you about the incident."

"Just tell me the story, woman," commanded Shinji.

"Very well. It occurred during the activation test of Unit-00..."

* * *

_Thirty-two days earlier._

* * *

All eyes were on the prototype Evangelion, and the control room was unnaturally silent as everyone held their breath in anticipation.

"All signals are clear," announced Maya Ibuki. "Absolutely nothing can go wrong. Commencing test in ten seconds, nine, eight, seven..."

But before Maya could finish, the eyes of Unit-00 flashed and the Evangelion broke free of its restraints.

"Oh my god! Pulse backflow!" screamed Maya. "The Evangelion is rejecting all signals! We're doomed!"

Unit-00 suddenly lurched forward and pounded a fist against the window between the test room and the control room.

"Unit-00 has gone berserk!" Ritsuko said the obvious for the sake of all the morons in attendance.

The Evangelion pounded another giant fist against the glass and all the cowards ran away after they pissed their pants.

"Son of a bitch!" cursed Gendou, who hadn't budged an inch since the test went to shit. "Cut power and abort the test!"

"It isn't working!" shrieked Maya.

The glass shattered and half the wall collapsed when Unit-00 next slammed a fist into the window.

"Commander, step back, please!" implored Ritsuko, tugging desperately on the commander's arm to no avail.

But Gendou refused to move even after no walls stood between him and a mentally-unstable giant robot, and Ritsuko fled after Unit-00 pulled back a fist and prepared to strike once more. The Evangelion put all its power into its following strike and its aim was true, and yet the control room was not obliterated after taking a mighty blow from the giant robot.

The few people who hadn't been able to run stared at the commander in astonishment—Gendou had taken a punch to the head from the Evangelion and still stood his ground. His glasses had been crushed, so he removed the useless frame and tossed them aside. Blood gushed from a large, diagonal cut across his face.

Gendou stared down the berserk Evangelion and the robot backed away in uncertainty. Gendou nonchalantly rolled up his sleeves.

* * *

_The present._

* * *

"And then your father wrestled down the Evangelion, and kept it secure until we could get fill the room with Bakelite." Ritsuko's eyes shone with reverence as she told of the commander's deeds. Her panties were damp. "Afterward, he pulled Rei out of Unit-00 and made sure she was fine. It was really something, Shinji-kun. There is a reason why your father is the commander: he is one bad motherfucker."

Shinji listened with only a minimal amount of interest. He could believe his father capable of superhuman feats—after all, Shinji could not have grown to become a total badass without good genes—but hearing of other men's exploits annoyed him. As Ritsuko spoke, Shinji glared at his old man, and saw Rei Ayanami, the mysterious girl with blue hair, appear to share a few words with Gendou.

Gendou smiled and spoke to Rei out of Shinji's earshot. All of a sudden, Gendou turned his head to the side and met Shinji's glare head-on. A monstrous red scar cut across his father's face, but it was Gendou's cold eyes that reminded Shinji of the spineless little boy he'd once been long ago.

* * *

At school the following day during gym class, Shinji had a few questions for his lackeys regarding a certain blue-haired wench.

"Do we know anything about Ayanami?" Touji picked his nose thoughtfully. "Well, captain, sorry, but there ain't much to say about her."

"Nobody—and I mean _nobody_—knows her, captain," whispered Kensuke. "Ayanami never talks and she doesn't have any friends. Look."

Kensuke pointed to the pool where the female students were swimming. All the teenage girls in swimsuits were a beautiful sight to behold, and Shinji and his underlings were luckily young enough to gawk at the girls without being accused of pedophilia. However, when the scantily-clad young women lined up to dive into the water, one mysterious girl in a blue one-piece bathing suit refused to jump in. Instead, she sat down and crossed her legs and the gym teacher looked pointedly away from her; the other girls paid no attention to Rei's odd behaviour.

Shinji observed the wench closely and raised an eyebrow. "Why didn't she dive into the pool?"

In response, his lackeys could only shrug.

"Nobody gets her, man," Touji elaborated. "All the guys are too scared to even ask her out. Like, she could attack you with an Evangelion if the relationship didn't turn out good."

"She's too mysterious," Kensuke added. "She's almost like a ninja or something."

Touji bopped Kensuke on the head. "A ninja?" he snapped while Kensuke glared at him. "Ayanami ain't no ninja! Just look at her!"

"I don't see her!" Kensuke retorted. "Do you?"

Touji looked at the pool again and his jaw fell open. The mysterious girl was nowhere in sight. "Where...where'd she go?" the jock stuttered in confusion.

He and Kensuke argued over Rei's whereabouts to no result. The other girls gave no sign that they realized one of their classmates had disappeared. Shinji the Ninja Pirate frowned—even he could not say where Rei had gone.

"Hey, captain, why are you asking us about her, anyway?" Kensuke timidly asked.

"Do you got the hots for her?" Touji presumed to ask.

Shinji eyed his henchmen silently until they began to fidget beneath his fierce one-eyed gaze. He decided it would make no difference if the two cowards knew his intentions.

"I will make Rei Ayanami mine," he solemnly avowed.

* * *

That night, Misato paraded around the apartment topless in another attempt to tempt Shinji, but the ninja pirate would have none of her seduction.

"Tell me about Rei Ayanami," he ordered in a tone that allowed no argument.

Misato hung her head in disappointment and groaned. When Shinji glowered at her, she replied, "Her profile on the NERV database is locked and I don't have access to it. I couldn't tell you about her even if I wanted to, Shinji."

"Answer me truthfully: is she a ninja?"

"A ninja?" Misato frowned in thought. "That would explain why all the security guards sent to investigate her house disappear...but that's crazy, right? I mean, a ninja?" She said this to the ninja pirate right in front of her.

After Shinji didn't comment, Misato remembered something suddenly. She produced two NERV security cards from an undisclosed location on her person. "This is for you, Shinji." She handed one card to him.

"And the second card?"

"It's Rei's new card. Ritsuko said she forgot to give it to her. You're to drop it off at Rei's place after school tomorrow."

Either Shinji accepted the second card much too quickly for Misato's liking, or something about the way his eye lit up disturbed her.

"You won't take advantage of her if you can, will you?" she asked, recalling Shinji's charm and how easily he'd bedded her.

To ease her concerns, Shinji repeated to Misato what he'd told Touji and Kensuke at school. Misato got very drunk that night.

* * *

With Misato providing him with the perfect excuse to barge into Rei's home, it seemed almost too easy for Shinji to steal away Rei's innocence. Alone in a room with her, there'd be no sport in the hunt, no matter how many ninja-like qualities the girl seemed to possess. Still, something about the situation perturbed the ninja pirate. He felt like he was being set up but by whom?

It made no difference, really, he decided. "I will learn if Rei Ayanami's hair is also blue south of the border!" he declared to no one in particular.

Her apartment building was falling apart, he saw once he was near her place. Most of the other buildings in the area were in ruins or were in the process of being taken down so new structures could replace them. Up close, the apartment complex reeked of decay. If anyone besides Rei still lived there, Shinji didn't see them. The only living creature he spotted was a skinny cat foraging in an overturned trash can. He climbed four flights of stairs and reached the door to Rei's room without encountering resistance.

The doorbell was broken when he tried it, but Shinji noticed that the door was ajar and unlocked. He could see that no lights were turned on beyond the door and a deep darkness within enveloped any sunlight attempting to sneak in. Everything his aunt taught him told Shinji to tread carefully in Rei's abode. So he drew his sword before he slowly pushed the door open and stepped inside. Perhaps claiming Rei's maidenhead would prove to be no simple task after all.

Inside Rei's lair, Shinji instantly felt unwelcome, although he was too badass to let that scare him off. Rei's room was devoid of any furniture beyond a lone bed without a blanket. She had a kitchen but no evidence existed to suggest it had ever been used. Shadows clung to her walls where normal girls hung posters of their idols; the only objects decorating her room were three sheathed katanas above the bed. Shinji walked to the bed and looked closely at the swords—one of the blades was missing from its sheath.

Intuition forced Shinji to turn around, and he only had a fraction of a second to dodge as the missing sword suddenly flew at him. The ninja pirate moved like the wind, but the katana grazed the side of his abdomen, easily shearing through his ninja tunic and drawing blood. He staggered slightly and stared at the woman who'd thrown the sword at him.

Rei Ayanami, the mysterious girl with a blue bush, stood naked, save for a towel draped around her shoulders, in the hallway fresh from the shower. Her right arm was extended forward, pointing toward where Shinji had been an instant ago. Water gathered at the tip of her lowest finger and dripped onto the floor. Her red eyes regarded him coolly and betrayed no surprise that he'd avoided the projectile. She held two razor-sharp shuriken in her left hand.

Wounded, Shinji the Ninja Pirate regained his balance and bared his teeth at her. Rei Ayanami was clearly no ordinary wench.

"Why have you come here?" Rei spoke softly, never taking her eyes off Shinji's sword.

He stuck a hand in his pocket, pulled out the security card and threw it at her. It slid across the floor and stopped short of her feet. "Just delivering your new card," he replied.

She made no motion to bend over and pick up the card.

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I do not believe you."

And she threw the two shuriken at Shinji and lunged at him. He nimbly batted the shuriken out of the air with his sword when a third unseen shuriken came at his face. Shinji tilted his head and merely suffered a nick below his eye, but he couldn't avoid Rei's tackle. They rolled into the floor and Rei ended up on top of him when they stopped moving. She chopped at his arm and knocked the sword out of his hand before he could swing it at her. Shinji kicked at her legs and they were suddenly rolling again, but this time he emerged on top. Yet, when the ninja pirate reached for Rei's breasts to grope her, Rei's skin melted away in a puff of smoke and all he grasped was air.

"A shadow clone," muttered Shinji after a pause. He glanced around the deserted room and abruptly threw his head back and laughed.

He left the apartment without claiming his prey.

* * *

Rei could not stay hidden forever, though, and Shinji soon found her leaving the train station and walking to NERV's headquarters. When Shinji strolled up to her, she didn't say a word to acknowledge his existence.

"That was an interesting trick with the shadow clone," he commented. "You managed to capture me off guard and I'm a goddamn ninja pirate."

She didn't reply.

"It won't happen again, however," promised Shinji. "I understand how you fooled me. Your ploy only worked because I neglected to train myself in the ninja arts of escape. I never run from a fight, no matter the odds or the danger, so I never saw the point of learning how to mask my presence in order to flee. But you made me realize that, while I need not run away from any enemy, a few people in this world could use the ninja's smoke and mirrors to run away from _me_. Do not think I will fail to correct this flaw in my training."

She didn't reply.

"Are you a ninja, Ayanami?" he asked but Rei remained silent. "Of course, a ninja must never reveal her identity, so I expected no answer. Do not imagine that being a ninja will dissuade me—it only makes you more tantalizing." Not even this warning drew a reaction from her. He continued, "I hear your Eva will be reactivated today, finally. I told the major that another giant robot was unnecessary and that I could kill all the Angels on my own, but she insisted the city needed something to protect them from me." Shinji chuckled mirthlessly.

She didn't reply.

"I will be the only one spilling his blood on the rocks of glory. Why bother piloting the robot, Ayanami?"

In the shadow of the Geofront, Rei stopped and faced the dreaded ninja pirate. She said curtly, "I will do whatever the commander asks of me."

Shinji grimaced at the mention of Gendou Ikari. "What are you to my father?" he demanded. "He's playing you for a puppet!"

Rei stared directly at Shinji so long that he thought she wouldn't speak when she whispered, "I am not the only one being manipulated."

* * *

The reactivation test of Evangelion Unit-00 proceeded smoothly until warning sirens interrupted the affair. After conversing on the phone briefly, Fuyutsuki confirmed everyone's suspicions:

"An unidentified object is flying toward Tokyo-3. Most likely, it's another Angel."

Gendou nodded. "Halt the test! We will continue to analyze Unit-00's capabilities on the battlefield if necessary." He turned to Ritsuko. "How is Unit-01?"

"It can be prepared in less than four minutes."

"Excellent. Scramble it immediately." Gendou glanced at his son, who seemed unusually disinterested in an opportunity for mayhem and destruction. "What's gotten into you? Hurry up!"

Shinji the Ninja Pirate snapped to attention and didn't waste any more time. Within minutes, he had jumped into the Evangelion and crawled up the elevator shaft. In the sky, an enormous cube towered above the skyscrapers and eclipsed the sun, shrouding Tokyo-3 in darkness. It was an Angel. Although Shinji's Evangelion stood ready and poised to kill, he made no motion to attack.

Inside the Eva's cockpit, our hero fumed endlessly as thoughts of Ayanami consumed him. "What did that wench mean?" he muttered under his breath. "Did she dare to suggest that I was dancing beneath another man's strings?" He clenched and unclenched his fist rapidly. "What lies has my father fed her? Is my father trying to seduce her?" The notion infuriated Shinji and he felt his hackles rise. "That woman shall lose her virginity to no man except me!" he swore loudly, more determined than ever to defile the mysterious girl with blue hair.

"Shinji!" shouted Misato over the intercom. "What are you doing?"

Shinji was so caught up in his rage that he didn't notice the enormous Angel's slow approach. Suddenly, the tip of the Angel flashed brightly and a clap of thunder reverberated ominously.

"Look out!"

Shinji looked up in time to see the giant bolt of lightning smash into his Evangelion. Electricity raced through the giant robot and the entry plug and the ninja pirate within. Shinji roared in agony.

"Unit-01's nerve signals have gone haywire!" shrieked Maya uselessly. "We've lost contact with the pilot!"

Meanwhile, the lightning continued to fry Unit-01 and the countryside around it. A white-hot hole was being burned into the robot's chest plating. Trees around the Evangelion burst into flame.

"Get him out of there!" ordered Misato.

"I'm trying to!" wailed Maya.

In the cockpit, Shinji didn't flinch as the LCL boiled around him and evaporated into nothing. He was way too pissed off at the angel to pay attention to his own pain.

He screamed in anger, "Asshole! You coward! FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!"

Flames abruptly sprang up around Shinji in the entry plug. The temperature in the cockpit skyrocketed to heights that would have incinerated any man less godly than Shinji the Ninja Pirate. As it was, our hero's tough skin barely deflected the fire, and it took all his concentration to remain conscious in the inferno brought about by the immense electrical discharge.

Shinji heard Misato's voice through the static of his intercom. "Drop the platform below him...flames too intense...prep the fire extinguishers...first priority is to protect the pilot...that heat...if he dies...dies..."

Eventually, the blazing heat lashed at Shinji's face. The last thing he ever saw with his right eye was a curtain of blood.


	7. Chapter 6

Today, the conclusion of the battle with Ramiel. Will Shinji finally kill the Angel? More importantly, will Shinji ever have sex with Rei? The answer to one of these questions is provided below.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Neon Genesis Evangelion_.

* * *

_Shinji the Ninja Pirate_

Chapter 6 – Rei, the blue-haired ninja

* * *

Back in the command room, shit was going crazy. Red lights were blinking and people were swearing at each other. The most badass pilot of the most badass mecha ever had fallen in battle, and everyone was understandably shaken.

"We got the Eva back in the hangar but it doesn't matter because we're all gonna fucking die!" moaned Makoto Hyuga.

"Quit whining!" snapped Misato. "How's Shinji?"

"It's faint but pulse confirmed!" answered Maya, after stopping to check her own pulse.

"Eject the plug and get him to the emergency room!" ordered Ritsuko, since the staff at NERV was apparently too incompetent to follow basic emergency procedure independently.

While Misato ran to the cage to check up on our hero, everybody else turned their attention to the big screen where Ramiel, the Fifth Angel, was on display. The giant mountain of a cube was launching thunderbolts and lightning, a literal storm of death and destruction, upon the civilians too stupid to move out of Tokyo-3. Each side of the fiendish cube was comprised of nine squares laid out in a three-by-three grid; the squares' various colours included white, red, blue, green, orange and yellow. Then, out of nowhere, a drill came out of the bottom side of the cube and pierced Tokyo-3.

Shigeru Aoba tilted his head, bemused, and said, "You guys know what?"

"Now isn't the time, Aoba," warned Ritsuko, scowling.

Shigeru continued, "That Angel reminds me of one of those, you know—what are they called, again?—one of those toys. You know, those things where you gotta match up the colours..."

Makoto gasped. "You mean a Rubik's Cube?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean!" Shigeru nodded. "I've always hated those things since I could never solve them."

"Oh, honestly!" said Ritsuko. "You two should be ashamed for even—"

The doctor's stern lecture was cut short as several explosions lit up the monitor. Half a dozen fighter jets had closed in on Ramiel, only to be annihilated by lightning before they could fire any missiles. The Fifth Angel mocked mankind by rotating and twisting its many columns and rows of squares like a Rubik's Cube. Only a ninja pirate could solve this puzzling bastard.

* * *

Shinji dreamed he was inside a train. Because he despised railway transportation and would never choose to ride a train in real life, our dastardly protagonist soon realized a metaphorical introspection scene had forced its way into the story.

And, sure enough, just as our Shinji is a wild stallion of a man, the train representing his subconscious was about as stable as someone riding bicycle during a hurricane. From where he sat, Shinji couldn't help but notice the other passengers present in the locomotive set on a one-way track towards destiny. One of his fellow travellers was a stocky man with a bushy black beard, a hairy chest, a cutlass, a wooden leg and he wore a hat that could only mean he was a pirate. The other man was tall and slender and carried a katana, but his features could not be discerned for he was covered from head-to-toe in black clothing; he was a ninja.

The pirate and the ninja were not content to recline and relax, however. Far from it. Steel clashed against steel in a mighty din as pirate and ninja, locked in an eternal struggle, fought to the death within the small confines of the train.

Shinji watched the ninja disappear into the shadows, but the pirate sniffed out his hiding spot and threw a bottle of rum at the ninja. The ninja dodged and the bottle shattered against the side of the train, and the pirate launched a ferocious string of jabs and slashes at his opponent before the ninja could hide again. The ninja was equal to the assault, though, and knocked the pirate off balance long enough to throw some shuriken at him. The pirate swung his peg leg in the air and every shuriken stuck harmlessly into the wooden prosthetic. The ninja snarled and the pirate glared at him—their loathing for one another was clearly on an apocalyptic scale.

Neither fighter had a clear advantage. Presumably, they'd been fighting each other since the beginning of the time. The battle was truly epic.

"You shouldn't exist."

The whisper was so quiet and the fighting so loud that Shinji wouldn't have heard it without his super-awesome hearing skills. It did draw the ninja pirate's attention to the little dark-haired boy sitting across from him. Shinji hadn't noticed him at first because of the really cool fight the pirate and ninja were having. The kid's eyes were red, as though he'd been crying recently, and he refused to meet Shinji's gaze.

However, the ninja pirate cared naught for any psychoanalytic bullshit. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

The boy snivelled. "Ninjas and pirates can never be one. The first law of the world says so."

"My existence proves otherwise, punk," Shinji scoffed. "In case you didn't know, I _am_ a ninja pirate and very badass, as a result."

"But the law can't be broken," the little boy said. "Just look."

The boy waved a weak arm, indicating at the train. As the pirate and the ninja fought, the interior of the train was steadily and surely being destroyed. Deep scratches covered every nook and cranny of the compartment. The glass windows were all long broken. The carpet was in tatters. And blood had splattered everywhere, painting the train crimson.

"Run away while you still can," the little boy begged. "You'll die, at this rate!"

Shinji was not impressed. "I don't give a shit. I'm not running away. The day I die will be when I compromise who I am and what I stand for. I will chase the Grim Reaper to hell and back if he dares come for me before I say he can!"

The boy rubbed at his eyes, wiping away tears. "But that's what Mother thought," he cried. "Don't you remember what happened to her?"

Before Shinji could respond, flames consumed the train and the pirate and ninja and the boy within it. Shinji vaguely recalled being in another fire, and the feeling of a hot pincer plunging into his eyeball.

* * *

Shinji the Ninja Pirate snapped awake and was immediately confronted by darkness. He tried opening his right eye but his eyelid refused to budge. When he touched his face, the skin around his eye itched and burned.

"Your right eye is ruined," a soft, feminine voice explained.

It dawned on him that he was in the hospital. The person talking to him must have been Rei Ayanami, the mysterious girl who pretended she wasn't a ninja.

"They said you should have died," she added as though that should console him.

"Tch." He sat up, unconcerned that he was naked beneath his blanket. "Have those fools learned nothing about ninja pirates?" he muttered, shaking his head. "And what happened to that fucking asshole who took my eye?"

A hand gently urged him back. "You have no eyes. I can fight the Angel with Unit-01 in your place."

"The hell you are," growled Shinji. "Like I said, those fools know nothing about ninja pirates! I'm not blind yet."

Shinji roared and ripped off the eye-patch covering his left eye, and opened the perfectly-functional eye that had been concealed beneath.

Rei gave him a flat stare. "You wore an eye-patch over a healthy eye," she stated.

"Damn right I did!"

"That was not practical."

"Spoken like a true ninja." Shinji sighed in disappointment. "You just don't understand." Like, the eye-patch was _cool_, for god's sake!

Either Rei realized there was no point in arguing the issue further or she simply didn't care, but she changed the subject. "We are to assemble at the cage within the hour to hear the details of the mission. Then we will go to Mt. Futago and await further orders."

"That means we have plenty of time to get to know each other more intimately here, if you catch my drift."

Her gaze lingered on his nude chest. "I do not," she said and left the room.

The door slammed behind her, and Shinji grabbed a bottle of rum off the table beside him.

"Sure you don't want me," he said after a time. He chuckled dryly. "Yeah, and you're not a ninja, either."

* * *

Meanwhile, in the meeting room, Misato needed to come up with a plan to vanquish a ludicrous enemy, since the so-called brilliant scientists all had a severe case of writer's block.

The major chewed on the end of a pen and frowned at the monitor. She watched a clip of Ramiel frying a giant blow-up Eva doll that came too close to the Angel; she noted that the enemy spun and rotated its columns and rows in response to their dummy before shooting a lightning bolt. It was quite apparent that they faced no simple monster of the week here.

Misato thought of a way to eliminate the Angel but any plan would be hopeless without their young champion, so she asked, "How's Shinji now?"

"He's stable," replied Ritsuko. "He lost the eye but the medics say he's ready to fight and they're anxious to have him gone from their hospital, after what he did there last time."

"And our Evangelions?"

"Unit-01 lost several armour plates, but they'll be replaced in time," Shigeru chimed in. "Unit-00 has been synchronized with Rei and will be operational on schedule as well."

"Good." Misato glanced again at Ramiel on the screen and grimaced. "What is our situation with the Angel?"

Makoto answered, "It's bad. The target has already drilled through four armour plates and will reach NERV headquarters in less than six hours. To put it bluntly, ma'am, the Angel is totally fucking us over."

"I see." She groaned. "It seems the Angel has a nigh-impenetrable defence on top of attack power great enough to knock down a ninja pirate—evidently, our enemy is practically a god." She turned to Maya. "Do we have any new intel on the target?"

"Yes," the girl technician said. "The MAGI say that the Angel is the bastard son of Zeus and a Rubik's Cube."

While most of the team in the room readily accepted the news, Ritsuko said, "Zeus, you say? As in, Zeus, the Greek god of thunder?"

Maya nodded. "Uh huh. That Zeus."

"Zeus," repeated Ritsuko. A vein on her temple twitched. "Our supercomputers claim the Angel is the son of Zeus, the Greek god of Thunder, and a Rubik's Cube. Is that correct?"

"Yep."

"What the hell kind of idiots are you people?" Ritsuko suddenly exploded in anger. "This is not science! This explanation is complete hogwash! Zeus isn't real and, even if he was, he couldn't possibly have sex with a Rubik's Cube, much less impregnate one!"

"Oh, but that's where you're mistaken, doctor," countered Maya. "Zeus didn't have sex with the Rubik's Cube. He was watching some nymphs bathe naked by a waterfall, and he became aroused and, err, satisfied himself. Then his, um, semen fell upon a Rubik's Cube that, by chance, happened to lie around his feet, and his divine seed somehow accelerated the molecular structure of the cube, and soon the Rubik's Cube produced the Fifth Angel."

Ritsuko listened to Maya's story with ever-increasing disbelief. "This still makes absolutely no sense!"

"Well," said Makoto hesitantly, "do you have a better explanation for why a giant Rubik's Cube that can launch lightning bolts is drilling into the city like a horny god?"

"I may not have thought of one yet, no, but with a little time, surely..." stuttered Ritsuko.

Fuyutsuki cleared his throat. "Dr. Akagi, your scepticism is interfering with the meeting."

"Not you, too," she grumbled.

"Major Katsuragi," Commander Ikari interjected, "have you come up with a plan to stop the Angel?"

Misato saluted the commander and nodded. "I believe I have, sir," she replied. "It's so crazy and far-fetched that it cannot fail. Do I have permission to use all world's resources?"

"Granted," said Gendou without hesitation, and he crossed his hands beneath his chin.

"Then the only thing else I'll need is Shinji the Ninja Pirate! We're going to arm our young god with enough firepower to shake the heavens!"

* * *

Later, at the base of Mt. Futago, Shinji and Rei met up with the commanding officers to hear the details of their really stupid plan. Military trucks scurried up and down along the mountain's roads. Enormous energy cables covered the landscape. Shinji had considered putting his eye-patch over his useless right eye, but decided the wicked burn scar on his face looked even more badass.

"All right, listen carefully." Misato glanced at Ritsuko for support before she faced the unruly ninja pirate. "Shinji, you won't like this, but you will not be fighting the Angel in close quarters tonight."

Indeed, he didn't like it. "The fuck? No matter what happened last fight, I can kill anything and anyone if I don't hold back my true power! Are you trying to steal glory from me, woman?"

"Calm down, Shinji, and let me explain. We've determined that you aren't suited for close-range combat with this Angel. Perhaps, as you say, you could slaughter him if you didn't hold back, but could you do that without destroying the city and all its treasure?" When he didn't reply, she resumed, "The target, Ramiel the Son of Thunder, is impervious to nearly all attacks at most all times. We have only one chance for a clean kill."

Ritsuko elaborated, "Our team (ahem, disregarding their asinine theories about the origin of the Angel) has discovered one important weakness in the Angel's defence. As you can see, the squares comprising Ramiel's body are made up of six colours. Normally, the coloured squares are disordered and all over the place and the Angel's defence is practically perfect."

"But this isn't always so," said Misato. "If we can force all the colours to match up, the target's armour will weaken enough for us to bring him down."

The plan sounded dull to Shinji, who preferred to smash his enemies without thinking. "How do you intend to make the squares match, exactly?" he asked. After all, even an Evangelion wasn't big enough to manhandle the huge Angel as if it were a regular-sized Rubik's Cube.

"That will be Rei's task," answered Ritsuko. "Ramiel rotates its columns and rows of squares in response to any threat within a certain radius. It should be possible to trick the Angel into spinning in a certain sequence such that all his coloured squares match."

"We chose Rei for this mission," Misato said quickly, "because of her remarkable ability to disappear and avoid attacks. She'll be inside the area that we call the 'death zone'—that is, she'll constantly be directly in the line of fire." She smiled reassuringly at Shinji. "We don't doubt your skills, but we realize that running away from an enemy's attacks, instead of being on the offensive, goes against all that you stand for."

That was true, but Shinji hadn't been persuaded yet. "I still don't approve of this. Am I to hide and do nothing while Ayanami gains renown in my stead?"

"Not quite." Misato grinned. "You'll still get the kill."

He was intrigued. "Go on."

She pointed at the many cables surrounding them. "You see all those? They're going to power your weapon—a really big rifle."

"What, you mean I'm gonna use a gun?" He rolled his eye and fingered the hilt of his sword. "I've already told you guys that guns aren't cool, even if they are really big. Even a gun that required all the energy in Japan wouldn't be badass enough to wipe out the Angel, and I mean to make that son of a bitch pay for what he did to me."

"Well, Shinji, you get to fire the biggest fucking gun ever made. All the energy in Japan isn't enough to make it fire one round. We're going to be using all the power on the planet to charge up this bad boy. The Super Positron Laser Rifle is strong enough to make gods tremble in fear, and you're the only man alive capable of operating it. How's that sound?"

In response, Shinji looked about as giddy as an arsonist with a box of matches in a lumber store. His eye shone with murderous delight and he nodded, "I accept this mission."

"Good," said Ritsuko. "Just remember: you need to wait until Rei has finished her job before firing the rifle. It takes ninety seconds to reload the rifle, and Ramiel will focus his attacks on _you_ if he learns of your presence, so we only have one real shot at this. And, whatever you do, do _not_ deviate from the computer's targeting system!"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it."

Misato raised a fist in the air. "Shinji, Rei, your opponent is a half-god, but that shouldn't deter you. The mission starts as soon as we finish assembling the giant rifle. Let us commence Operation God Slayer!"

* * *

Across the globe, lights winked out one-by-one as all of mankind's power was redirected into the hands of one Shinji Ikari the Ninja Pirate. Some citizens may have considered the mission to be reckless and suicidal, given the ninja pirate's criminal history, but these people's complaints were not heard due to the aforementioned worldwide power outage. Other men and women around the world donned ninja and pirate costumes and prayed Shinji would save the day, and that he would also be merciful and not steal their daughters' virginities—these prayers were not heard, either. In Tokyo-3, Kensuke and Touji were happy to cheer their captain on towards victory until they realized that no electricity meant no porn.

The hour drew close to midnight and, at last, the final streetlight flickered out. All of Japan was smothered in darkness but, as we all know, ninjas and ninja pirates thrive in a world without light.

An unnatural calmness settled in Tokyo-3 as the world stood still in silent terror.

Beneath the moonlight, Shinji and Rei sat on raised platforms beside their respective Evangelions in the final moments before battle. The dark silhouette of a gigantic Rubik's Cube could be seen in the horizon.

Shinji clutched at his right eye socket and glared daggers at the Angel's shadow. "That dirty assfucker will die soon," he declared.

"You have no lack of strength," Rei said softly, as was her wont. "Why didn't you kill him in the last battle?"

Shinji reminisced over the previous day and glowered. "I was distracted," he admitted. "I wasn't committed to slaughter and paid severely for my error." He slammed his fist down and began to rant. "But never again, yarr! From this day forth, my mind is focused only on the hunt for triumph! I will wash my hands in blood tonight and take an eye for an eye! That bastard will suffer until he begs me to send him to hell, where he'll receive more mercy than he'll get from me! Ramiel!" he bellowed. "Son of Thunder! I DEDICATE MYSELF TO YOUR DEATH!"

A strong wave of manliness emanated from Shinji, following his proclamation, and flowed over Rei. Any normal woman would've gone insane with lust in the presence of such manly fervour, but she didn't bat an eyelash.

Rei looked at her watch calmly. "It is time," she announced and stood up.

Shinji licked his lips and leapt to his feet. "Finally."

"Ikari."

"What?"

The moonlight emphasized the paleness of Rei's plugsuit and blue hair, but her crimson eyes were dark and cold-blooded enough to make an assassin cringe.

"I have nothing but the Evangelion," she told him in a detached tone. "It is my reason to exist, but that does not mean my life can have no other purpose."

Shinji sensed a muted passion from the mysterious girl, so he observed her in silence.

Rei looked at him pointedly. "I will help you achieve your revenge," she promised.

No more words were spoken between them and the pilots climbed into their giant robots. In the distance, Ramiel loomed largely.

* * *

Midnight.

The Fifth Angel drilled and drilled and pierced through the ninth plate of armour between Tokyo-3 and the Geofront. On the outskirts of the city, Unit-00 crept towards the Angel with surprising sneakiness, given the large size of the robot. Elsewhere, on a hill in the forest, Shinji and Unit-01 laid in position, ready to fire the Super Positron Laser Rifle. In the dim chambers of NERV's command room, Misato and the others chewed their fingernails as they awaited the inevitable bloodbath. Fate chooses her champions in moments like these, and tonight Shinji and Rei could prove themselves worthy of standing alongside the heroes of old in Valhalla.

Makoto pressed a big red button to activate the gun. "This is it," he said.

"Commencing primary connections," said Maya. "Blocks 1 through 6,103 have begun transmitting energy."

The energy cables around Eva Unit-01 crackled and hissed as electricity surged within them. With godlike power at his disposal, Shinji's throat went dry and his right index finger began to itch. His scarred right eye throbbed.

"Rei," Misato ordered, "do it now!"

Eva Unit-01 leapt from behind a building and into Ramiel's view. The colossal cube shrieked and spun a column of squares to shoot a big lightning bolt at the robot and fry Rei on the spot. But the Evangelion dodged to the right before the sound of thunder even split the air. The Angel pivoted a row of squares and sent more lightning. Again, Rei evaded. Her giant robot jumped over Ramiel and landed on the other side of him.

"It's working!" exclaimed Maya.

Ramiel howled in rage and redoubled his efforts, creating a ruinous thunderstorm in Tokyo-3. Houses flew off their foundations and trees struggled to cling to their roots. Amidst this chaos, Rei Ayanami, the mysterious girl who could be nothing but a ninja, nimbly defied death with her every step. The Angel spun and pivoted and twisted, but she and her Evangelion were always one move ahead. As he watched from afar, even Shinji the Ninja Pirate was impressed by Rei's acrobatic display and was further determined to bang her as soon as possible.

Then, all of a sudden, the colours on Ramiel's side matched up.

"Rei, clear out of there now!" commanded Misato.

Eva Unit-00 jumped back, but left a vulnerable Angel wide in the open for a clear shot.

"Shinji," Misato said to the other pilot, "kick some ass!"

"Affirmative."

"Wait!" Ritsuko called out. "Shinji isn't using the targeting computer!"

"Fuck your computer!" the ninja pirate bellowed, crushing it with a fist. "I'm commandeering your canon!"

Shinji lined the Angel square in his sights, and fired a laser beam that could kill a god.

His unassisted aim hit dead-center. The laser connected directly with his target and burst out the other side of the cube. Ramiel screamed and the laser beam flew across the Pacific Ocean, over China, and eventually collided into Mt. Everest, thereupon reducing the world's tallest mountain into ash. Smoke and blood gushed from the hole in the Angel's side, but the drill beneath Ramiel continued to dig away. Furthermore, the Son of Thunder spun a row of squares and pointed its canon right at Shinji.

Shigeru yelled, "The pilot missed the core! The target is still active! I repeat: the target is still active!"

Several big bolts of lightning were hurled at Eva Unit-01 but Shinji, remembering the eye he lost, refused to let history repeat itself—he grabbed the rifle and rolled to the side at the last second.

Alert signals were flashing everywhere at NERV.

"The enemy drill has made it to the Geofront!" cried Makoto.

"Begin charging the second shot!" ordered Misato. "Hurry!"

Shinji ejected the spent shell from his rifle.

Maya said, "Exchanging the fuse _now_! Recharging has begun! Waiting for the barrel to cool!"

"High energy signals coming from the Angel!" shouted Shigeru.

Ramiel began to spin and twist like crazy, firing lightning all over the place. Tokyo-3 shook as it barely withstood the onslaught.

Misato refused to give up. "Shinji, change location! Rei, get in there and trick the Angel into weakening its defences again!"

"Roger," Rei replied.

While Eva Unit-01 slid down a hillside to find a new sniping spot, Rei's Evangelion charged into Ramiel's hellstorm to distract him once more. Fortunately, the Angel took the bait and focused his efforts on Rei, but his attack was more dangerous than ever. The girl moved her giant robot with greater speed than before, but not even Rei could avoid every single bolt of lightning this time.

"Unit-00 is sustaining heavy damage!" reported Maya. "The Eva won't last much longer!"

"How long until the rifle has recharged?" asked Misato.

"Still twenty more seconds!"

"Why didn't the target die before?"

Ritsuko had the answer. "The MAGI have determined that the Angel's core is in constant motion and its position cannot be predicted. It'll take a miracle shot to bring the target down!"

"Dammit!" Misato swore.

On the battlefield, Ramiel's squares had nearly been lined up, but Rei's Evangelion had slowed considerably and the robot was charred and singed after receiving too many electric shocks.

Back in Unit-01, Shinji was getting more than a little impatient. "C'mon!"

"The Super Positron Laser Rifle is now fully charged!" Maya announced.

But Shinji couldn't fire the gun yet since the big Rubik's Cube hadn't been solved. Rei needed to line up one more column before Shinji could shoot.

"Just a little more," muttered Shinji.

At last, Rei lunged to the side and the Angel reacted by spinning the final column of squares into place. However, Rei couldn't move her Evangelion fast enough to avoid the Son of Thunder's final thunderbolt. Lightning enveloped Unit-00 and burned a big hole through the robot's chest. The Evangelion collapsed and Shinji, watching Rei's apparent demise, unleashed a beastly roar.

The ninja pirate glared down the barrel of the gun and looked at Ramiel with pure loathing. He let instinct guide his next shot.

"Solve this, motherfucker," he spat.

He pulled the trigger.

This time, the laser beam hit Ramiel with perfect accuracy and somehow found its way to the Angel's core. The Son of Thunder exploded and died experiencing the utmost pain and agony.

* * *

Ritsuko would later call Shinji's aim miraculous, but our hero dismissed her words and claimed God had no part in his kill. Immediately following his victory, though, Shinji was more concerned about the hot blue-haired ninja that had fallen in battle.

He rushed over to her Evangelion and yelled, "Dammit, I never got to fuck you! You can't have died yet, Ayanami!"

Unit-01 yanked Rei's entry plug out of her robot. The bottom half of the tube had melted. Shinji cursed and hurried out of his mecha. He ran to Rei's entry plug, drew his sword, and sliced open a hole in the tube. He peered inside.

He found Rei within but she was neither breathing nor moving. A thin trail of blood trickled out of her mouth. The ninja pirate gazed into her red eyes but they had glazed over, lifeless.

She was dead.

Shinji reached out to the corpse so he could shake her limp body in anger but, as soon as he grasped her, the woman in his arms transformed into a big log. He dropped the log and his eye widened.

"Ninjutsu," he whispered knowingly.

"I am not dead," a voice pronounced weakly.

Our protagonist whipped his head around and saw Rei perched atop a hill, alive but not unhurt; her arm hung limply to the side and she limped when she walked over to Shinji. For those keeping score at home, there could no longer be any doubt—Rei Ayanami was a goddamn ninja.

A lone manly tear slid down Shinji's left cheek.

"Why are you crying?" she asked.

"Because I am a man among men, unafraid to display my emotions," he answered with pride.

She blinked and said, "I am unsure how I should react in these situations..."

"It's simple: you just take all the treasure in sight, laugh at your enemies' corpses, get drunk, and have a lot of sex." Shinji the Ninja Pirate looked at her great body suggestively, but she said nothing. "Don't be so quiet and mysterious—I _know _that you want a piece of the ninja pirate! Speak up and give me an answer already, Rei Ayanami!"

In response, Rei merely smiled as her eyes glimmered in the moonlight. Then she promptly fainted.


	8. Chapter 7

And now for an ocean adventure and fun times ahoy as the final major character finally makes an entrance. No real animals were harmed in the making of this chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Neon Genesis Evangelion_.

* * *

_Shinji the Ninja Pirate_

Chapter 7 – Pirates of the Evangelion

* * *

On the front page of the Tokyo-3 Times was a photograph of Shinji Ikari standing triumphantly over a giant mutilated robot. The headline and article read as follows:

_HOLY FUCKING SHIT_

_TOKYO-1: Although we in the Times are not permitted to use profane language in our articles, "Holy fucking shit!" is the only way I can describe what happened in the ruins of Old Tokyo yesterday. As many readers already know, the alternative to the Evangelion, the Jet Alone Project, was tested in Old Tokyo yesterday. Boasting a controversial nuclear-powered engine, the Jet Alone is an unmanned robot designed to supplant NERV. I was there for the robot's unveiling and, for a measure of safety, NERV also attended the demonstration. Be glad NERV was there with its Evangelion, readers, because they and their young pilot just saved all of Japan, perhaps the entire world, yesterday afternoon._

_And he did it with style._

_Fuck. I'm still at a loss to explain what I saw. God damn. Holy shit. Anal sex. Great jumping carpet munchers. I can't think of enough expletives to do Shinji Ikari justice. Let me back up a bit. Okay, so the Jet Alone project was a disaster. A total shitstorm, if you will. Halfway through yesterday's experiment, Jet Alone went berserk, which meant the robot essentially became a walking atomic bomb. One wrong step and it would've been Hiroshima all over again. Everyone in attendance turned their attention to the Evangelion, but it wasn't moving. Panic and hysteria ensued. We all thought we were going to die when a NERV employee told us to look at the video projection. My fucking lord, I'll not soon forget what I saw on that screen._

_On that screen was Shinji motherfucking Ikari running towards a mobile nuclear weapon. Without the fucking Evangelion. Just a fucking sword in his fucking hand. All of us in the room yelled "Holy fucking shit!" because holy fucking shit was that boy—no, man!—ever a badass. Even though Jet Alone was well over a hundred times Ikari's size, the robot looked like the underdog next to Ikari's divine radiance. The fight was over in a flash. Ikari leapt over the robot and decapitated it in a single stroke! I'd never even dreamed someone so amazing could exist! I didn't use to believe in God, but I fucking do now and I have seen him in Shinji Ikari. Compared to him, nobody can be compared—_

Some "nobody" crumpled the newspaper and threw it in a trash bin. Aboard the _Over the Rainbow_, a young lass with fiery-red hair was very irate.

"_Mein Gott_!" swore Asuka Langley Soryhu. Something was wrong with the world—no one was writing headline news of her imminent arrival in Tokyo-3. "Why doesn't this editor just get between the Third Child's knees and suck his cock instead of writing this garbage?"

* * *

Fuyutsuki told Gendou that SEELE would not be pleased with him.

"We are not pleased with you," Chairman Keel Lorenz told Commander Ikari when they conferred in a dark, mysterious room.

"Honestly, Ikari. Using all of the energy in the world to eliminate one Angel?" scolded a nameless SEELE member, whose sole defining feature was his sweet moustache.

"The Übermensch Instrumentality Project will not complete itself," complained a nerdy-looking man wearing glasses.

"You are deviating too far from the Dead Sea Scrolls!" cried an old bald guy.

"Can we even trust you to destroy and rebuild the world in our image?" asked the youngest man in SEELE, a youthful chap with only fifty years under his belt.

Gendou paid as much attention to their reproach as a man does to his wife's complaints. He kept his composure and let the old men express their displeasure to their pacemakers' content. If NERV's commander felt any urge to grab a spear and slaughter everyone in the room in violent ritual sacrifice, you couldn't tell by looking at his face.

Eventually, the chairman slammed his fist against the table. "Simply put, your son is far more badass than he should be, Ikari!"

"We saw footage of his battles. Hitting an Angel's moving core without computer-targeting was way more awesome than the scenario called for," said the guy with the sweet moustache.

"He destroyed the Jet Alone robot without an Eva! That was much too cool too soon for our liking!"

"And how many women has he slept with by now?"

"The prophecies mention a ninja pirate, not a god in human flesh, Ikari!"

Gendou pushed his tinted glasses up the bridge of his nose. The room lacked proper lighting, yet the scar along his face gleamed menacingly. "He is my son," was all he said in reply.

"In any event, try harder to stay in accordance with the plan," Keel insisted. He paged through a Dead Sea Scrolls pamphlet and scowled. "Has the 'pirate' entered the scenario yet?"

At last, Gendou permitted himself the smallest hint of a smirk and answered, "As it happens, I recently ordered my subordinates to go and meet with _her_..."

* * *

A helicopter soared over the Sea of Japan en route to an old battleship. In the chopper's cockpit, adolescent shenanigans were in progress.

"I'm the luckiest guy ever, man! I gots the best captain in the world!" Touji leered at Misato's breasts and sighed contentedly.

"Look! I see it! Look!" Kensuke pointed at a battleship in the horizon, and everyone else did their best not to look at the prominent bulge in the boy's pants. "It's a real BB-61, the _Over the Rainbow_! I can't believe it's operational! Look at those guns!"

Touji kept his eyes glued to Misato's chest. "Yeah, they're real beautiful," he drooled.

Misato groaned and wondered again how she got stuck in this situation. It wouldn't have been so bad if Shinji were there, but the sexy ninja pirate had refused under no circumstances to climb aboard the helicopter. "I have my own means of transportation," he'd said when Misato asked him how he'd get to the battleship. Then he'd vanished, as usual, but not before his lackeys could attach themselves to the mission.

"Omigod!" squealed Kensuke, clutching his camera in delight. He danced so exuberantly that the helicopter began to shake. "I'm gonna be on a boat! On a boat! Anything is possible!"

His friend Touji just continued to stare at Misato's boobs, and the major suffered through the boys' youthful stupidity until the helicopter finally reached its destination, the battleship known as the _Over the Rainbow_.

Misato stepped off the chopper in relief, and straightened her skirt out. The teenagers stumbled out of the helicopter after her like a pair of stooges. Touji tried to peek under Misato's skirt while Kensuke immediately began filming every nautical device in sight. Right away, Misato looked for the girl they came for; the sooner she could finish this task, the better.

The sun was blinding, so she raised a hand over her eyes, blocking the bright rays. Above, she saw the slim silhouette of a woman in a dress leaning over the upper deck's railing.

"_Guten Tag!_" the girl cried out. She ran down the ladder to come and see them.

Finally, someone arrived who could divert Touji's attention away from Misato's naughty bits. Once he saw her, Kensuke dropped his camcorder and his glasses fogged up as he started to hyperventilate. Because, damn, this girl was as hot as a fifteen-year old could legally be and maybe then some. Two red nerve-clips held her long red hair back, save for when a strong gust of wind whipped it forward. Her skin was fair and her legs deliciously long. She wore a yellow sundress that brought out the vivid blue of her eyes, in addition to displaying a bountiful amount of cleavage.

Kensuke just about passed out while Touji crawled over to worship this red-headed goddess. But the girl ignored him and casually slammed her foot into his groin; Touji screeched in pain.

"Hello, Asuka," greeted Misato.

Asuka smiled sweetly and booted Touji aside. "Don't tell me either of these losers are the Third Child," she said. She glanced around the deck in dismay. "I heard he's a badass, but I don't see anyone else with you. Where is he?"

At the mention of Shinji, Misato bit her lip. "You could say he took a different route."

In the background, Touji staggered to his feet and, holding his crotch protectively, glared at Asuka. "You bitch, what'd you do dat for?"

The expression on Asuka's face was all innocence, and she looked at Shinji's underling as if seeing him for the first time. "Oh, _tut mir leid_, did I hurt you?" Then she ignored him again and turned to Misato. "What do you mean a 'different' route?"

Not knowing the answer herself, Misato shrugged.

Before Asuka could reply, one of the hands on deck suddenly cried out, "Small ship spotted at nine o'clock!"

The ladies turned their heads to port and squinted at the horizon, while the boys didn't know which direction nine o'clock was. Far in the distance, a tiny sailboat emerged into view and effortlessly glided across the wild waves assailing it. At the helm of the dinghy stood Shinji the Ninja Pirate.

Asuka quickly suppressed a frown as soon as she saw him.

Elsewhere, the crew of the _Over the Rainbow_ ran over to gawk at this brave seafarer. "Is he crazy or what?" wondered the grizzled old captain of the boat. "What's he doing, crossing the open seas on such a tiny boat?"

Confused, Misato enquired, "What does it matter?"

"These are deadly whale-infested waters!"

On cue, a giant whale half the size of the _Over the Rainbow_ erupted out of the water behind Shinji. The whale quickly started to chase down the ninja pirate.

"Not again!" cursed the old captain. "Quick," he ordered the gunnery chief, "shoot that bastard down!"

"But I'll never manage to fire the cannon in time to save that boy," protested the man standing next to the cannons.

"I know that. We're going to need it to save ourselves! Look at the size of that monster!"

"Shinji-kun!" cried Misato, as Kensuke filmed everything.

Asuka remained oddly silent as she watched the whale approach its target. Shinji, for his part, seemed way too calm for a man with an evil whale breathing down his neck. His boat rocked wildly during the whale's pursuit, but he nimbly maintained his balance throughout the ordeal.

The whale opened its cavernous jaws and prepared to dine on some ninja pirate.

"He's gonna die!" Touji shrieked.

Asuka's eyes narrowed dangerously. "No, he isn't."

Then, abruptly, the ninja pirate scooped up a really big harpoon and hefted it over his shoulder. For a second, the tip of the harpoon sparkled in the sunlight. In a flash, Shinji threw the big harpoon right down the whale's throat. The whale howled as the weapon ripped its flesh asunder and burst out the other side of the gigantic sea mammal. The animal flopped over, dead, and its blood spilled into the ocean. Holy shit.

Everyone save Asuka aboard the battleship gaped in amazement.

After Shinji completed his voyage and joined the others on the _Over the Rainbow_, he said, with a dashing grin, "I think I just drove that species of whale to extinction."

Most of the crew were dumbfounded by his words, but Asuka harrumphed loudly. "All he did was skewer a big fish," she muttered dismissively.

Kensuke, Touji and Misato exchanged looks, knowing full well what happened to those who dared challenge the ninja pirate. Oddly, the ship's men looked more terrified of the girl in the yellow sundress than the badass ninja pirate. In any case, Shinji appeared unconcerned by Asuka's blatant disrespect.

"I do not believe we've met," he said to Asuka. His gaze slid over her excellent figure and he quickly noted that she was a total babe. "You are?"

"I'm Asuka Langley Soryhu, the Second Child," she introduced herself. "And you, of course, must be Shinji Ikari the Ninja Pirate, the Third Child, slaughterer of whales, and supposed badass."

"Aye."

Silence.

Their gazes crossed paths and an epic staring match commenced between the two. Asuka had twice as many eyes as our one-eyed protagonist, yet Shinji made up for his ocular deficiencies with his unrivalled intensity. Asuka's brows furrowed in a mighty frown and Shinji's lips curled downward in an unmistakeable scowl. The men and women witnessing this contest of egos froze in alarm, dimly aware that a cosmic clash was taking place. The other people aboard the boat were slow to understand the portents of this confrontation of wills, but Asuka and Shinji, the two narcissistic egomaniacs, realized at once that only one of them could be the center of attention; hence, they became immediate rivals. Thus explains the aforementioned staring standoff.

Before a victor could be decided, however, a man with a ponytail unexpectedly showed up and said, "Hey, what's up?"

Shinji and Asuka turned their heads at the same time, breaking off the staring match, and looked at the interrupter. All but one of the ship's passengers unclenched their sphincters and sighed in relief, glad that the staring match had resulted in zero explosions.

The lone exception was Misato who regarded the dude with the ponytail with transparent shock.

"Kaji?"

* * *

Following an awkward scene in an elevator, the group met up in the mess and talked about old times over wine and rum.

Misato wouldn't stop glowering at Kaji. "How—where—what—when—no, _why_ are you here? I told you to fuck off years ago!"

Kaji was all grins. "I remember. You woke me up one morning by lighting my bed on fire."

"So then why are you here?" Misato angrily slammed back a glass of wine. "A normal man would know better to stay away after that!"

"You should know that I'm no normal man." Kaji lit a cigarette and took a long drag. "I miss you whenever I smell gasoline."

Misato replied with an unintelligible growl. Kaji laughed good-naturedly and explained how he had a job at NERV and was Asuka's guardian. Misato growled again.

Meanwhile, Shinji the Ninja Pirate quietly regarded the peculiar Ryoji Kaji and his five o'clock shadow. Asuka kept looking at the man adoringly. The man was quite the rascal—almost like a pirate—and an air of sneakiness surrounded him—almost as if he were a ninja. He was unquestionably a cool dude—almost badass, even—but Shinji just felt something lacking about him, though he couldn't describe exactly what it was.

"So you're Shinji Ikari, huh?" Kaji said suddenly, interrupting our hero's ruminations. "I've been excited to meet you for quite some time now."

Asuka grimaced but Shinji smirked. "I'll bet you were excited," he said arrogantly. "My glorious deeds are known all over the globe."

"You've killed three Angels, on top of the Jet Alone and that whale just now. All very impressive. You're a true warrior by the looks of it."

"But, Kaji," interjected Asuka, tugging at the older man's arm, "what's so great about killing one or two Angels? Isn't _quality_ important, too? Remember what I did in Germany to that other pilot? What was her name? Mari something?"

Kaji paled and the smile vanished from his face.

The others looked askance at him and then at Asuka. Neither was elaborating so Kensuke stupidly asked, "What'd she do?"

Kaji pulled on his collar and shuddered. "Uh, well, kid, some things are best not spoken of, especially when they were stricken from public records." And he said no more.

An unnatural silence ensued, during which Asuka seemed immensely pleased with herself.

Eventually, Shinji decided to lighten the mood with some casual conversation. He nodded towards Misato "Tell me, Kaji, has she always been so wild in the sack?"

Touji, Kensuke, and the women at the table all gasped at the ninja pirate's audacity, and Kaji just chuckled as he and Shinji exchanged high-fives.

"Ach, that's it!" Asuka stood angrily and pointed at Shinji. "You! Come with me. We need to talk." She glared at everyone else at the table. "In private!"

Without waiting for an answer, she stormed out of the room and the ninja pirate, shrugging, followed her.

The girl led him through a number of corridors at a brisk pace. Occasionally, they'd encounter a crewman who'd take one look at Asuka's expression and flee, which struck Shinji as unusual—normally, people ran in terror from _him_. Eventually, they emerged from the hold and stepped onto the deck, near some large cargo covered by a big tarp. Asuka ducked underneath the tarp and, a moment later, came back out to urge Shinji to follow suit.

"Hurry up!"

By the time he was beneath the tarp, Shinji was tired of her games. "What do you want? Explain yourself."

"I just wanted to give you a little demonstration before I have my say," she replied, and gestured toward the object hidden beneath the tarp with some flashy arm waves, as if it were possible to not notice it.

The object was, of course, a really big red robot.

Shinji rolled his eye. "And? I've got one of those, too."

"Ha!" She snorted derisively. "I'm sure you do, ninja pirate, but my Evangelion is top of the line! Yours was only a Test Type model. Mine is bigger, faster, stronger and sexier. I haven't built myself a reputation in Japan yet, but they call me the Red Devil in Germany for a reason." She puffed up her already-large chest. "I want you to know that, from now on, I'll be running this show and you can go piss off."

If she was seeking admiration from our hero with her brash speech, she wasn't getting any. "You're the real captain of this ship, aren't you?" he concluded after a time. When she beamed, he nodded in comprehension. "Yeah, I know the truth. You be a pirate!"

She threw her head back and laughed. "Me? A pirate? Please!"

"Then what's this?" he roared and ripped open the front of her dress. A multitude of daggers and golden chains spilled out. Her bra was red, by the way, if anyone's curious.

"You...you _Arschloch_!" she cursed, suddenly holding one of those daggers in her hand, her face livid.

But, before Asuka could strike, the entire battleship rocked back and forth. Sirens sounded, announcing that the _Over the Rainbow_ had an unexpected visitor.

"An Angel," said Asuka, forgetting all about the ninja pirate's crime. Another explosion shook the boat. She glanced at her mecha, then Shinji, and smiled wickedly.

* * *

The shark is the deadliest sea predator known to man. Its speed, agility, keen senses, sharp teeth, and acute lust for blood all provoke fear among the lesser creatures in the deep blue.

Enter Gaghiel, the Sixth Angel, also known as the Fire Shark.

The Angel Gaghiel possessed all the aforementioned shark traits listed, but was as big as a whale and also constantly enveloped in a big ball of fire. Hence, the moniker "Fire Shark." I guess any smart person might think it impractical for something to live in the water while on fire, but the sheer impracticality of Gaghiel was what made the Angel so lethal. Rather than being doused by the ocean, Gaghiel's flames burned the water around him and somehow allowed him to swim at supersonic speeds, in addition to boiling alive any fish (or man) within a few hundred feet of the Angel.

And, as it happened, Gaghiel was currently assaulting the _Over the Rainbow_ and the rest of the fleet.

Over on the battleship's bridge, Misato struggled to usurp control of the boat.

"That's an Angel!" she yelled at the grizzled old captain. "You can't do a thing to it!"

Off in the distance, one of the smaller ships exploded and started to sink. Kensuke gleefully filmed the destruction, as if unaware the Angel might decide to attack the _Over the Rainbow_ next. Touji wailed in distress; not even Misato's perky jugs could keep the jock in a good mood.

"This is my ship," the captain said stubbornly. "The Mistress will kill me if I hand it over to anyone!"

"Mistress? Excuse me?"

He cleared his throat much too loudly. "I mean, you don't have the authority to command me. Besides," he added, "what would you do differently? That bastard's too fast for our cannons!"

Misato resisted the urge to tear out her hair. "Use the Evangelion for fuck's sake!" she screamed.

"Well," he said, "I don't have permission to launch it."

"As a higher-ranking member of NERV, I already gave you full authorization to launch it!"

He shook his head dismissively. "I don't answer to you. My superior has greater authority."

"Who the hell is your superior?"

He opened his mouth to reply, but the boat abruptly lurched forward as Unit-02 stood to its feet and discarded the tarp that had covered it. Misato whooped and cheered Asuka on.

"Hell yeah! Go for it, girl!" She turned to the captain smugly. "What's your superior going to do about this, huh?"

The captain sighed. "Why not ask her yourself? She's the one piloting the giant robot."

Misato did a double take.

"Wait, what?"

* * *

On the deck, Asuka was getting psyched for her first real big kill. At last, she could enter her name in the annals of glory. That the infamous Shinji the Ninja Pirate would have to watch her from the sidelines only made it sweeter. She still couldn't believe she'd managed to rope him in as her spectator.

In the cramped confines of the entry plug, Asuka spoke condescendingly to Shinji, "I hope you like watching me snatch this kill away from you, Third."

The ninja pirate didn't seem to be listening, which was evident when he said, "What kind of LCL is this? This isn't rum. It's red wine!"

"I like red wine!" Asuka snapped. He was totally ruining her moment. "Don't change the subject when I'm stealing your thunder!"

"You can have it."

"What?"

Gaghiel the Fire Shark attacked the ship Unit-02 stood on, but Asuka calmly made her robot jump to a different vessel.

"I said you can have it," Shinji repeated after the momentary distraction. "This enemy isn't worth my time—it's only a lame fish monster."

A vein popped on Asuka's forehead.

She spun around to glare at her passenger. "_Gott_, what the fuck? How can you throw away an opportunity for mayhem and destruction so casually?"

"To be perfectly honest, pirate, killing this Angel could never be as badass as killing that whale with a harpoon. If I fought the Fire Shark, it would actually lower my reputation in the end."

"_Scheisse_!" hissed Asuka and she turned away from Shinji, lest he begin to grin triumphantly.

_You think you've won this round, do you? _she seethed. The Angel was charging at her Eva. _Fine. I don't care if you want to be so stupid! _Unit-02 pulled its progressive knife free._ If a goddamn Fire Shark isn't good enough for Mr. Ninja Pirate, I'll simply kill it in such a memorable fashion that nobody cares about your past exploits!_ She was ready to murder.

Yet, when the Angel crashed into the boat, Asuka's Evangelion jumped to another ship instead of attacking the Fire Shark.

Asuka glanced at the progressive knife contemptuously. _This knife isn't good enough. Too easy. _So she chucked the knife into the ocean.

"What in god's name are you doing, Asuka?" came Misato's furious voice from the intercom. "Just kill it!"

She thought quickly for an excuse. "The Angel's fire would've melted the blade, Misato," she lied.

"Well, do something! The Angel blew up another ship! People are dying, in case you weren't aware!"

"Got it."

But Asuka was having trouble thinking up a fabulous way to kill the Fire Shark. _Maybe I could let it drag me into the sea, where I'd be at a disadvantage? That'd make me look better when I win. _She mulled over the notion for a time and dismissed it. _No, then I'd likely need to rely on Misato and the others—maybe even Shinji the Ninja Pirate!—to help me out. Better to be certain no one else can take credit for my success._

"Your battery is running low," Shinji taunted when red warning lights began flashing in the plug.

She grunted. "I know!"

She made her Eva jump to the battleship with the power generator, and she plugged a big energy cable into the red robot.

_I could simply be violent as hell and blitzkrieg the Angel with my fists. Not the flashiest victory, but the brutality would send a nice message, nonetheless. _Then she felt Shinji breathing down her neck and it was too easy to imagine him being unimpressed by such a kill. _That isn't good enough, either, _verdammt_!_ The Fire Shark was heading her way again, while Misato was imploring her to attack. She coiled her fists in frustration. _What can I do that's totally fucking awesome?_

Her fragile sanity cracked.

"AAAAARRRGH!"

Eva Unit-02 suddenly bent to the side and grabbed the battleship beside it. The ship that Asuka and her robot were standing on swayed dangerously while the red Evangelion slowly lifted an enormous boat over its head. People screamed but none louder than Asuka. Water and human bodies alike leaked out as she raised the ship higher; the hull broke in several places around the Eva's hands. Meanwhile, the boat beneath the Evangelion strained to support the added weight and threatened to sink into the ocean. The mecha's four eyes blazed and the Evangelion found the strength to hold a massive warship above its head.

"Asuka," Misato said so weakly that her voice could barely be heard over the static. "Whatever you do, don't do whatever it is you're thinking of doing."

In the entry plug, Asuka laughed like a maniac for the universe was finally the way it should be. Everyone's attention had been given to her, just like she'd always wanted. In fact, nobody even noticed when Kaji flew away in a fighter jet, they were staring at her so intently.

Shinji observed her in silence; strangely enough, she looked hotter after she went crazy. So apparent was Asuka's madness that Gaghiel stopped in his tracks and began to swim in the opposite direction—however, the Angel wasn't fleeing fast enough.

When Asuka's psychotic laughter died down, Misato begged her, "Please, not this way!"

"No," whispered Asuka.

With a bloodcurdling cry, she hurled the battleship and all its explosives and innocent crewmen at Gaghiel the Fire Shark. After a big splash and a bigger explosion, nothing could be found of the Angel that hadn't fallen to the bottom of Davy Jones' Locker.

Shinji the Ninja Pirate clapped.

* * *

"She's crazy," said Misato after the _Over the Rainbow _docked in Tokyo-3.

"Then she should fit in perfectly at NERV," replied Ritsuko.

Misato groaned. "And why am I stuck with the job of smoothing over the situation here? It wasn't like I commanded Asuka to destroy half the fleet, personally."

"Like I said, she'll fit right in."

They both sighed at that.

In total, six vintage battleships and countless more lives were lost in order to bring Asuka to Japan; two of the boats were ruined by Asuka alone. Her extreme methods definitely warranted a photo on the front page of the newspaper, but NERV decided it'd be best to keep the incident hidden from the public. I can only assume that Asuka threw a mighty tantrum over the omission.

Touji and Kensuke, for their parts, were glad to be free from the beautiful psychopath, which they confided to Shinji at school the next day.

"She's one of da hottest girls I ever did see, cap'n," said the jock, "but, man, talk about a mental bitch!" He obviously preferred demure class representatives.

Kensuke agreed wholeheartedly. "I thought she was a goddess, but then she blew up a perfectly good BB-38 dreadnought!" he sobbed.

Shinji listened to his underlings' complaints with disapproval, since he considered Asuka's insanity and murderous tendencies to be virtues. The catastrophic ramifications resulting from her slaughter of Gaghiel had made her kill a thing of beauty in his eye. If only the pirate girl wasn't barging so dangerously into his area of expertise—wholesale carnage—he'd be all over her shapely ass.

Shinji was going to tell his dimwitted subordinates as much when the classroom door flew open.

"Hello, everyone!" said Asuka cheerfully after stepping in. "I'm Asuka Langley Soryhu and I'll be in your class from now on!"

Most of the guys (and a few sexually-adventurous girls) were delighted to welcome the hottie, but Touji and Kensuke froze solid; the two were too scared to even crap their pants. Rei sat in the corner, expressionless. Asuka smiled benignly at the class until her eyes met with Shinji's, upon which a flicker of resentment—or something else?—flashed across her face. The ninja pirate's expression was unreadable.

And so, with the two most wilfully destructive people in existence now living there, Tokyo-3 was truly fucked.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Gendou's spooky office, Kaji the spy delivered a mysterious suitcase into Commander Ikari's hands.

"Did you know we'd bump into an Angel when you sent for the cargo?" asked Kaji, shaking his head in bemusement.

Gendou carefully opened the suitcase and examined its contents. He simply said, "I told you to expect for the worst."

"I suppose I should have." Kaji laughed mirthlessly. "You had me carry one of the keys of the Instrumentality to you." He peeked over Gendou's desk and was amazed by what he saw in the suitcase. "Look at that, it's frozen in Bakelite, but it's already reconstructed a tiny pirate hat!"

"Of course." Gendou folded his hands below his chin and smirked. The tiny fetus inside the suitcase was no ordinary fetus. "Not even suspended animation can contain its unquenchable desire for conquest.

"This is Adam, the First Pirate."


	9. Chapter 8

Normally, I reserve all pompous and arrogant speeches for Shinji, but I make a special exception in this chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Neon Genesis Evangelion_.

* * *

_Shinji the Ninja Pirate_

Chapter 8 – Both of you shall be as gods!

* * *

Trouble was brewing.

Shinji the Ninja Pirate looked around his apartment and scowled. The room was full of boxes and treasure chests, many of which were stuffed with gold. Pen-Pen waddled between countless stacks of riches. Silks, diamonds, jewels, and clothes on top of clothes filled his and Misato's humble abode. And Shinji sure as hell didn't like it.

He glared at the red-haired intruder. "You really couldn't find a different place to stay?"

"Nope." Asuka Langley Soryhu shrugged. She smiled deviously. "Why? Jealous of my treasure collection, Third?"

"Hardly. You're not much of a pirate if this is all you got."

"This is only the tip of the iceberg, obviously. You know, when you swipe a famous painting from a museum, you can't just ship it through the post office."

"Be that as it may, you didn't need to move into _my_ apartment."

"To be honest, I tried to rent a different room, but the landlord didn't have any available—not on this floor or anywhere." She frowned. "He wouldn't even make an opening when I threatened to rip his balls out." It wasn't often that Asuka's talents of persuasion failed.

Shinji chuckled. He didn't bother telling Asuka that he owned the entire apartment building or that he'd transformed it into his personal treasure trove.

"What?" she asked after his laughter got on her nerves.

"Nothing," he said. He scooped up an emerald-studded goblet from an opened box, examined it disinterestedly, and tossed it aside.

"Ach, that's worth a fortune!"

He met her livid gaze with one of his own. "I just want to make sure you understand the rules of my house before you move in, Soryhu."

"Well, whatever you tell that Misato slut doesn't apply to me!" She jabbed him roughly with a finger. "I do whatever the hell I want, Ikari."

A scramble ensued in which Shinji reached for his sword while Asuka pulled out a dagger.

"Hey, guys!" Misato popped by and waved. "How're you two getting along?"

Both teenagers spun around and yelled, "JUST FUCKING FINE, THANK YOU!"

Misato, NERV's brave strategic genius, fled in terror, and the two adolescent murderers glared at each other.

It was then Shinji realized that he and Asuka would eventually either have wild, passionate sex or kill each other. Or all of the above.

* * *

His relationship with the German exchange student fared no better at school.

Her popularity rose quickly and she was poised to overtake Shinji's status as most popular student ever. Clearly, the two had yet to fight at school since the building still stood, but tension between Shinji and Asuka rose continuously. The other students sensed the special hatred the pair of badass pilots felt towards one another, and it was not uncommon for someone to make a hasty excuse to leave whenever Shinji and Asuka were in the same room.

The battle for dominance over Tokyo-3 had begun.

"_Guten Morgen_, Shinji!" sang Asuka after she randomly bumped into the ninja pirate on the way to school. She randomly encountered Shinji with alarming frequency.

Shinji nodded curtly, wondering what she wanted today. Being a foul-mood kinda guy in the morning (fouler than usual, anyway), the ninja pirate would welcome a fight if that was her wish.

But no, like so many women, she only wanted to talk. "Tell me about the First, Rei Ayanami," said Asuka.

"What do you care about her?" asked Shinji.

"I've decided to be her friend. I care to know things about my friends, Ikari. Especially their dirty secrets, in case I suddenly choose to stop being their friend."

Shinji paused to consider what he knew of the sexy blue-haired ninja while Asuka tapped her foot impatiently.

Finally, he said, "Ayanami is too mysterious for words. She's an enigma that hides behind shadows that doesn't talk a lot. Even I barely know her. One day, Ayanami tried to kill me and the next she was nursing me in a hospital. Her motivation is impossible to fathom. She won't let you get close enough to learn any of her weaknesses."

"_Mein Gott_, that doesn't tell me anything useful, Ikari."

"She's not the type of girl you can blackmail."

Asuka grinned. "Have you fucked her yet?"

One of Shinji's nerves snapped.

He glowered at Asuka with enough force to level a mountain. "Listen, pirate! I've banged almost every single hot chick in the city! What difference does it make whether I've fucked Ayanami or not?"

Asuka's grin widened. "I assume that means you haven't."

"No, I haven't _yet_," he said coolly, "because I believe in saving the best for last."

She laughed. "Makes sense, considering you've never done it with me." Not that she was interested in him, I'm sure—Shinji Ikari was only the coolest, best-looking and most badass guy in Tokyo-3 and possibly the entire world, but Asuka had very high standards.

Before further sexual tension could grow, Asuka got distracted by a glimpse of blue hair.

"Aha!" she pointed at the First Child, who was inexplicably reading on a park bench. "Found her!"

Asuka bolted across the street, leaving the ninja pirate behind her. She dashed over to Rei and held out a hand. The German's actions prompted Rei to look up from her mysterious book. The ladies' first meeting got off to a promising start.

By the time Shinji joined them, however, Rei and Asuka were locked in mortal combat.

Like I said, things started well enough. But as soon as Rei and Asuka saw one another up close, instinct kicked in. Rei blinked in slow comprehension and backed away from Asuka. Asuka's nostrils flared; she sniffed the air and soon pinpointed Rei as the source of the offensive scent. They say that ninjas and pirates cannot coexist peacefully, and that was true for Rei and Asuka. It only took an instant for them to draw their weapons and begin to circle each other.

"Ikari!" roared Asuka, "Ayanami's a fucking _ninja_—I can smell it! Why didn't you say so sooner?"

"It didn't seem very relevant."

Rei said, "What an odd sensation. Am I feeling hatred?"

Naturally, the fight attracted a crowd of onlookers, including Touji and Kensuke.

"Shouldn't you stop 'em, captain?" asked Touji.

"Yeah," added Kensuke, whose fear hadn't prevented him from taking out his camcorder. "What if they kill _us_?"

A hero would've put an end to the girls' fight, but our hero Shinji wasn't much of a hero. "Boys," he said sagely, "you never try to stop a catfight." Besides, Shinji was curious to see who'd win, the better to know which woman he'd rather bang.

Then, before Rei and Asuka could draw blood, alarm sirens went off, announcing the arrival of the next Angel.

* * *

On the southern coast of Japan, Shinji and Asuka, along with their Evangelions, waited in preparation for the upcoming attack.

"Here's how it is," Misato said over the intercom. "Our intercept system is still under repair since Shinji blew it up during the last alert, so we need to take down the target before it gets ashore! Any questions?"

Shinji raised a hand. "Yeah, I got one," he said, pointing at Asuka's mech. "I'm a badass ninja pirate—why do I need to work with _her_?"

"Hey!" Asuka snapped, "_I _was going to complain about working with _you_! You'll ruin my Japanese debut!"

The pair of adolescent psychopaths scowled at each other again.

Misato groaned and felt wrinkles forming on her brow. "For the last time, I don't care which of you eliminates the target as long as it stays dead!"

"The target's been spotted near the peninsula!" exclaimed Maya Ibuki. "Pattern Blue. It's an Angel!"

"Unit-01 and 02 will take turns attacking the target in close combat," ordered Misato. "Just do as I say and finish this quickly!"

Surprisingly, neither bloodthirsty pilot balked at the order. Misato was relieved to see them attach energy cables to their robots and tread into the water with their weapons ready. Furthermore, Israfel, the Seventh Angel, didn't appear particularly threatening when Misato saw it on the monitor. It seemed like an operation would proceed smoothly for a change.

"You know very well I'm all they need for this mission, Ikari," said Asuka on a private line.

Shinji glanced at the large Angel and rolled his eye. "By the looks of it, even Kensuke could handle this alone," he muttered.

"Ugh, you're probably right." She cracked her knuckles and stared at the giant enemy. "That means there's only one way to make this interesting..."

"...have a race to see who can murder it first!" finished Shinji with a confident smirk.

"It's on, Ninja Pirate!"

The Evangelions suddenly dashed toward the Angel.

"Wait," cried Misato in frustration, "don't just rush in!"

But the major's words were ignored and the pilots plunged heedlessly towards danger. And, like you'd expect, Shinji quickly gained a step on Asuka. In terms of speed, his ninja pirate skills far outclassed those of the ordinary pirate.

"Oh, _Scheiße_!" she swore, looking at the backside of Shinji's mech while he cackled in triumph.

In desperation, Asuka threw her Eva's huge spear like a javelin before the ninja pirate reached Israfel. The spear connected with the Angel's core with such force that Israfel was split clean in two.

"Fabulous!" praised Misato. "What a throw, Asuka!"

Asuka didn't even try hiding her smugness. "Oh, it was nothing," she purred.

Yet her rival wasn't paying attention to her.

"The Angel's still moving!" said Shinji.

"What?"

Indeed, the two halves of Israfel convulsed wildly and mutated into two separate targets, each with its own core.

"And I'll finish them off for you," added Shinji with an arrogant grin.

The twin Angels couldn't even howl menacingly before the ninja pirate came upon them. Shinji's Evangelion moved like the wind and appeared behind Israfel's two halves; Shinji didn't hesitate to sink a progressive knife into each of the Angel's cores. Immediately, both parts of Israfel collapsed.

On the sidelines, all Asuka could do was wallow in envy after witnessing Shinji's godlike talent.

On the bridge, Misato literally had an orgasm. "That was _amazing_, Shinji!"

"It was real easy," said Shinji, glancing condescendingly at Unit-02, "thanks to Soryhu's help."

Asuka gasped in indignation and silently vowed to best Shinji next time. With fresh blood on their hands, the Evangelions marched off the beach. However, before Shinji and Asuka could return to base, an eerie fog descended upon the coast.

"Okay, this is more than a little creepy," said Asuka, straining to see through the thick, murky haze.

A deep, long moan reverberated in the air. In slow-motion, Shinji and Asuka turned around to look at the fallen Angel. All that could be seen through the unnatural fog was two pairs of glowing red eyes.

"I've never seen anything like this!" shouted Aoba. "The Angel is Pattern Grey!"

"Hold on!" said Makoto. "We've intercepted a weak radio transmission from the Angel!"

From the speakers came a wheezing rasp:

"...Braaaainsss...braaaainsss..."

The bridge was silent for a second as the crew digested this bizarre development.

"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Maya. "THEY'RE FUCKING ZOMBIES!"

* * *

At this point, you might ask, "How do you kill that which is already dead?"

Judging by the humiliating television images of Units-01 and 02 lying in defeat upon being thrashed by Israfel, the answer is "You don't."

The news jumped all over NERV's blunder. "At 5:07:19 PM today," the reporter announced, "both Evangelions ceased all functions after failing to destroy the Angels. The JSSDF dropped an N2 bomb on the Angels, resulting in a thirty-percent disintegration of the targets. However, due to the Angels' classification as 'undead,' it is expected that the targets will regenerate within a week—"

Fuyutsuki turned off the TV and the two pilots stared glumly at the blank screen. Commander Ikari tersely summed up Shinji and Asuka's performance: "Disgraceful."

"That stupid Angel cheated!" protested Asuka. "Being undead is totally unfair!"

"I killed the target about thirty times!" said Shinji, yearning for the day when he'd finally get revenge on his father. "It's not my fault the bastard didn't know how to stay dead!"

Gendou raised an eyebrow. "Remind me what your jobs are."

"To defeat the Angels...?" replied Asuka.

"Precisely." Gendou stood sharply. "I expect more from both of you in the future."

Asuka's jaw fell. "But, sir...!"

The Commander and the others left the briefing room, leaving Shinji and Asuka alone to vent their anger.

"You know, this is all your fault," Asuka told Shinji.

"Mine?" he bristled. "If you hadn't thrown your weapon away, maybe you could've been more useful when the Angel came back from the dead!"

"And who's the badass ninja pirate that kept stabbing those fuckers long after it became obvious that knives _don't do a thing to zombies_!"

Shinji scowled and Asuka did likewise.

After a prolonged groan, she continued, "My first battle in Japan was supposed to be beautiful, and instead I had the First looking down on me while the Commander yelled at me in front of everybody, all thanks to _you_!"

The ninja pirate snorted. "Maybe you'll do better next time if you do your job instead of blaming me whenever you fail."

Asuka screamed in vexation and stormed out of the room.

On second thought, Shinji figured he'd strangle Asuka long before he'd ever fuck her.

* * *

Meanwhile, Misato sat before a mountain of paperwork, stumped. Zombie extermination was far removed from her area of expertise. She heard a knock on the door and was overjoyed to see a friend.

"Ritsuko!" she burst out happily. "You came to save me!"

The doctor smiled wryly. "Not exactly."

Misato frowned in confusion and Ritsuko gestured for Misato's saviour to step inside.

"Hey, baby," said Kaji.

Misato's eyes widened.

"Oh, no! Hell no!" She backed away in horror. "I hate him!"

"Just listen to him, please," said Ritsuko patiently.

Kaji smiled good-naturedly at his ex.

"All right, fine!" Misato caved. "But all I'll do is listen, nothing more."

Kaji's smile turned devious. "There is one way to kill the zombies," he explained. "We need to _overkill_ the Angels. We can do this by killing it twice over—two simultaneous deaths should overload the Angels' zombie properties and destroy them."

"Wait, that was your plan all along?" Ritsuko gaped. "That makes no sense. In fact, that's impossible!"

"The Angels' undead existence is impossible, right?" countered Kaji. "So we fight fire with fire. The way I see it, an impossible being can only be killed in an impossible way."

Misato scratched her chin thoughtfully. "Ah, I get it now..."

Ritsuko snapped, "No, you don't get it, Misato! As for you, Kaji, your plan is the worst I've ever heard and, in case you forgot, we work for an organization that plans to save the world by putting mentally-unstable teenagers inside giant robots. Your plan is dumber than putting a homicidal maniac like Shinji the Ninja Pirate into a giant robot."

"And what's your plan, again?" Kaji laughed.

Ritsuko stuttered, "Well, um, I'm sure, given sufficient time, I can think of something logical…"

"Don't bother!" interrupted Misato. "I'm going with Kaji's idea! It's cool!"

Kaji grinned and Misato's heart fluttered momentarily despite herself. The major knew deep down that Shinji would never screw her again, and now suddenly her old flame wasn't looking half bad...until Misato remembered how much she loathed Kaji. Such a shame, the way she passionately despised his manly stubble and everything about him, especially his penis.

Ritsuko saw the sparks fly between her friends as she watched them discreetly flirt; she just knew they were both going to get laid soon.

"Why not me, too?" she muttered in disgust and was ignored as always.

* * *

Ritsuko's woes aside, how do you figure Shinji and Asuka felt about Kaji's plan?

"YOU WANT US TO DO _WHAT_?"

Yeah, they didn't like it. Well, things at Misato's apartment promised to get a lot more interesting.

Misato winked at them. "You two are going to be doing everything together and I mean _everything_."

"What's the point?" Shinji rolled his eye. "I'm plenty badass enough alone for the mission."

Asuka shot him a dirty look, but Misato cut her off before she could argue. "You're _both_ badass, but it is literally impossible for either of you to succeed solo. Thanks to a certain someone, we've got a plan: we're going to kill the Angel by overkilling it—that is, killing it twice at the same time—and the only way this'll work is if you two synchronize your brutality."

"Synchronize our what now?" Asuka said incredulously.

"Your brutality!" chirped Misato.

"And how will that kill the Zombie Twins?" Shinji asked.

"It's simple!" Misato smiled. "If you two co-ordinate your killer instinct, you'll each strike a killing blow at the same time which will finish off Israfel. Just do things together like eating, sleeping, murdering, using the bathroom, and fucking and you'll become two peas in a pod."

Asuka palmed her forehead. "Oh, _Gott_, you really didn't think this out in advance, did you?"

Shinji shook his head in disbelief. "Sugar tits, did you forget that I'm a goddamn ninja pirate? Nobody kills better than me and Soryhu here, cruel pirate though she is, can't hope to match my ability to unleash pain."

"Hey! Don't belittle me like that—I play ping pong with my victims' eyeballs!" shrilled Asuka.

Misato raised her hands to quiet the pair. "Fighting each other won't help," the major said, "because, not to pressure you or anything, everyone in the world will die if you don't team up for this mission. You don't have a choice in the matter."

The badass pilots finally agreed to give the plan a chance.

"But if I'm gonna be stuck with the Ninja Pirate, I do have one question," said Asuka. "Isn't there something related to the upcoming fight we should be practicing? Like, I dunno, dance choreography or karate?"

"Good question!" replied Misato. "I have no idea. It's up to you to figure out how to synchronize. The MAGI estimates the Angel will regain movement in approximately six days, so you're on your own until then."

Misato waved goodbye and hightailed it out the door.

Shinji and Asuka snarled at the same time and then glared at each other.

* * *

_Five days until the battle._

* * *

Saying Shinji and Asuka fought constantly is an understatement.

It wasn't just a case of apples and oranges, though they debated that, too. They disagreed about the best way to skin a cat. They battled over the merits of rum and wine when they could've been drinking. Even their sexy co-ed showers inevitably turned into heated arguments about who had the better battle scars.

But they still had plenty of time to settle their differences.

* * *

_Four more days._

* * *

Touji and Kensuke were walking to Shinji's place when they encountered Hikari, the class rep. It struck the three as a strange coincidence, especially when they all stopped at the same door.

"Wait," said Kensuke while waiting for somebody to answer the door, "Shinji and Asuka live together? Hot!"

Hikari was aghast. "I can't believe it! They're living in s—"

The class rep was interrupted by a loud crash as the apartment wall suddenly exploded.

Shinji and Asuka, wearing matching karate gi, fell through the hole in the wall. They stopped wrestling briefly to glance at their dumbfounded classmates. Then the pilots resumed their struggle and rolled off the balcony.

Surprisingly, once the shock wore off, Touji was the first to cry.

* * *

_Three days left._

* * *

Shinji and Asuka sat cross-legged in meditation at the bottom of a raging waterfall. Their clothes were ragged and their bodies were covered with scrapes and bruises. Occasionally, a big log would fall over the waterfall's edge and bounce off one of the pilots with a sickening thud. Yet, rather than dying like mere mortals whenever this happened, they would simply shrug it off. For twenty consecutive hours, they meditated under the waterfall and ignored the onslaught of countless logs.

If you don't understand how this training helped them, I don't blame you, but I'm sure it was all part of some ingenious plan.

After the thousandth log smashed into Asuka's lovely head, she abruptly went ballistic.

"_Mein fucking Gott_, this is retarded!" she screamed.

The redhead grabbed one of the logs and swung it at Shinji the Ninja Pirate as hard as she could, and suddenly they were fighting to the death again.

Okay, so maybe there never was a plan.

* * *

_Two days remaining._

* * *

Late in the evening at the beach, as the sun sank below the horizon, Shinji and Asuka practiced karate kata on top of adjacent wooden posts. Their movements mirrored one another's perfectly and the training seemed to be working at last.

Then a group of ninjas showed up to kill the badass teenagers. As one, Shinji and Asuka leapt off the posts and engaged the enemies in combat. Their harmony disappeared immediately. Shinji calmly snapped necks in two and cleanly ripped the ninjas' hearts out with his bare fists, but Asuka flew into a rage and cracked skulls and shattered testicles with her knees.

Their killing techniques were simply too different.

* * *

_The last day before the battle._

* * *

Back in Misato's apartment, the major, Kaji, Rei, Makoto and Aoba had gathered to check up on Shinji and Asuka. The technicians appeared frightened for some reason.

"All right, show me your progress!" said Misato. She pointed at the terrified NERV technicians, who flinched in response. "These two have kindly, uh, volunteered to be your sparring partners, so beat them up when I tell you to...and, please, go easy on them."

Makoto and Aoba took one look at the two pilots and gulped. The teenagers were battered, bruised, bleeding, breathing heavily and were almost unrecognizable. Shinji and Asuka were like battle-hardened barbarians, fresh from the hunt and eager for more blood.

"Um," stuttered Makoto, squinting at the unruly teens, "I d-don't think this is r-really a—"

"Get ready!" Misato interrupted. "And...fight!"

In an instant, Shinji and Asuka pounced on the technicians. Let's just say the sparring match wasn't pretty. Watching the lopsided debacle, Kaji winced whenever he heard a bone crack. The mysterious ninja Rei, on the other hand, remained cool no matter what she witnessed, not even reacting when a tooth whistled by her head.

But Misato was unimpressed and soon called the fight to an end, much to the bridge bunnies' immense relief.

"Shinji," she said, "you're being too elegant! Your perfection is too great for Asuka to possibly match! Try to be a little bit less beautiful—remember, the plan calls for savagery! As for you," she turned to Asuka, "don't just go out of control and start pounding away! Your goal is to synchronize with Shinji!"

"Hmph! I was only being myself," retorted Asuka. "Besides, you _need_ me or everyone'll be dead tomorrow."

"Is that so?" Misato nodded to the mysterious ninja. "Rei, step in for Asuka."

"Understood," said Rei.

Rei walked over to Shinji and stood by him as Asuka stared at her in bewilderment.

Comprehension suddenly dawned on Aoba. "Wait!" he gasped, tears streaming down his face. "Don't tell me we have to get beaten a—"

"And fight!" Misato said, ignoring him.

Shinji and Rei descended upon the helpless bridge bunnies. In shock, Asuka watched them curb-stomp Makoto and Aoba in perfect tandem. The pummelling that Shinji and Rei delivered was succinct and soon over. Kaji and Misato clapped in amazement.

After an ambulance was called for the unconscious technicians, Misato said to Asuka, "If Rei were half as sadistic as you, we'd send her in your place without hesitation."

Asuka opened her mouth to speak, then frowned and dashed out of the room.

"I think you wounded her pride," remarked Kaji.

"Shut up!" shouted Misato. She hung her head. "Oh, god, that was so stupid of me."

Thus, with NERV missing one of its pilots, Tokyo-3 was going to be destroyed and everyone would die. Or that would've been the case if Shinji the motherfucking Ninja Pirate didn't decide to take over.

"Yarr, you're all hopeless," said Shinji, badass that he was. "I'll handle this shit."

And before the others could talk, he strode out of the room armed only with the determination to kick ass. Using his elite ninja tracking skills, he soon located Asuka on the rooftop of Misato's apartment building. Her back facing Shinji, the pirate girl was peering over the edge, looking at the city below. Shinji stepped toward her.

Asuka lifted a hand to halt him. "I'm not crying, you know," she said without moving. "And I'm not going to jump. Not that a short fall of a few hundred feet could kill me so easily."

A dramatic gust of wind whipped by.

"Then why are you up here?" Shinji asked.

"I'm pissed off, duh! At the First. Misato. NERV. Eva. This whole city." She glared at the sprawling metropolis. "I was just thinking if I really cared about saving this dump or not. If they're really worth it. What do they matter to me? With everyone gone, I could pillage as I please, so it'd be better for me if I let the Angels kill them. But I won't."

"Why not just let them die?"

At last, Asuka spun around to face him. The expression on her face was one of complete and irrevocable rage.

"Because I hate those fucking zombies more!" she bellowed, shaking an angry fist at the heavens. "How dare they come back from the dead to insult me? I've been humiliated endlessly by them! I could care less about saving the world, and I'm not going to grind the Angels into dust so I can be a hero! I'm doing it for me!" An intense fire blazed in her blue eyes. "I will make Israfel the Zombie Twins rue the day they ridiculed me! I will show Misato and Ayanami my worth, you got that? I WILL UNLEASH HOLY HELL!"

Shinji applauded her attitude, save for one little detail. "You mean _we_ are going to kick serious ass tomorrow, Asuka," he corrected her, outstretching a hand.

Asuka clasped hands with him and nodded. "For the first time, Shinji, I think we agree."

* * *

It was the last night before the mission, and Shinji and Asuka were abed. Beneath their futons' covers, they were gratuitously naked.

Don't get the wrong idea, though. They hadn't had sex or, at least, not yet. Right now, killing was more important to them than screwing.

In any case, although Asuka slept deeply, Shinji was wide awake and watching her nude body intently. The ninja pirate was at a moral crossroads. His pirate counterpart's speech earlier had been impressive, certainly, but Shinji still didn't know if Asuka was the kind of godlike teenager he could go to war with. He just wasn't sure if they had the same mindset.

Then Asuka began to talk her in sleep.

"Mama..."

Calling out for her mother? Perhaps he'd misjudged her, after all. In which case, the ninja pirate may as well kill her.

And then a dagger was in his hand and Asuka's life hung in the balance.

"Mama..." she whispered again. "I wanna be the Pirate Queen..."

Shinji chuckled softly and put the weapon away.

He never should've doubted her.

* * *

_The showdown._

* * *

"The target has broken through our defences and entered the mountains!"

"Eva Units-01 and 02 are ready for launch!" yelled Maya.

"The MAGI predict a zero-percent possibility of this operation succeeding," Ritsuko informed the others on the bridge. "Absolutely none whatsoever. However, because Shinji happens to be a ninja pirate, of all absurd things, I bet the plan will work despite his and Asuka's training being both completely unnecessary and useless."

"Yeah, you've been telling us that for hours now," said Misato. "But Shinji and Asuka didn't synch properly so the operation's doomed. Argh!"

"That's where you're wrong, Misato," said Asuka through her intercom.

"We are in perfect unison," said Shinji.

"Oh." Misato blinked. "Wait, huh?"

"You remember the plan, Asuka?" asked Shinji, grinning.

"Of course." She smirked. "The plan is there is no plan."

"We'll just go out there and inflict death on top of death."

"We could finish this in less than thirty seconds if we wanted to."

"But we won't because we want to enjoy this as long as possible."

Misato turned to Ritsuko and said, "Do they seem scarier to you?"

The doctor shrugged, but Makoto and Aoba nodded frantically in agreement. The technicians were heavily bandaged from the previous day's smackdown; except for a little post-traumatic stress, they'd be okay, though.

"Purging external power sources!" said Maya.

"Start the funeral music! Launch!" shouted Misato.

The Evangelions hurtled through the elevator shafts and jumped onto the surface where Israfel waited.

"Braaaainsss...braaaainsss..." the zombies groaned.

In flawless synchronization, Eva Units-01 and 02 charged. Both robots simultaneously delivered a roundhouse kick to their respective target, and followed through with a vicious uppercut that sent both halves of Israfel flying backward. Shinji and Asuka's brutality was in beautiful harmony.

"It's working!" cried Misato.

As one, the Evangelions threw their progressive knives right into the twin Angels' balls. Next, the robots grabbed mecha-sized shotguns and shot countless rounds of ammunition into the zombies' heads. Then, in tandem, Shinji and Asuka jumped on the Angels and began punching them over and over. They struck with such explosive might that an explosion erupted after every blow they landed. Israfel's blood gushed like a geyser and drenched Shinji and Asuka's robots, but they wouldn't stop pounding the zombies' rotted flesh.

Eventually, the Seventh Angel screeched and its cores exploded. Somehow, impossibly, Shinji and Asuka had killed the zombie twice over and prevented Israfel from returning to life.

"The target has gone silent," Aoba quietly announced.

But the godly pilots who'd conquered the undead kept on punching.

Misato paled. "Uh, guys, hello?" she said nervously. "You can stop now. Fight's over. You won."

Shinji and Asuka ignored the major. In perfect unison, they committed unspeakable horrors to Israfel's remains. Stuff so nasty I can't even mention it.

"Oh, god," sobbed Maya. "That's _horrible_! Why won't they stop? Wait, are they—?" Abruptly, Maya ran out of the room and started retching.

Poor, sick Maya wasn't alone. In fact, only Gendou Ikari could watch the massacre with his usual dastardly smile.

"What a surprise," Ritsuko muttered with a dark scowl. "Shinji the Ninja Pirate just pissed on thousands of years of scientific logic." She flung aside her notebook and spat at a computer. "There's only one logical conclusion that I can deduce: fuck my job."

On the intercom, the bridge heard all of Shinji and Asuka's demented laughter. Needless to say, no future Angel would dare become an undead monstrosity lest they be beaten into a gory zombie pulp.

"This'll be a stain on my record for the rest of my life," groaned Misato. "Oh, whose idea was this, again...?"

Then she remembered whose plan it was and glared at Kaji.

Kaji shrugged innocently. "Well, what did you expect? The whole idea in the first place was to _overkill_ the target."

* * *

And so, Shinji and Asuka mutilated Israfel until their robots' internal batteries ran out after an excruciatingly-long five minutes. Shinji emerged from a lifeless Unit-01 and surveyed his and Asuka's fine work.

From the top of Unit-02's entry plug, Asuka gazed upon Shinji the Ninja Pirate's glorious profile. The stoic expression on his chiselled features could only be described as the epitome of manliness. In that moment, Asuka saw Shinji as the dark Adonis all other men aspired to be. Nonetheless, in spite of his undeniable majesty, she felt no physical attraction towards Shinji. Nope, Asuka definitely wasn't in denial.

"But why am I so wet all of a sudden?" she wondered aloud.


End file.
